Oh Allyson, I'm sorry. That's unfair of your mother, she should let you go be with friends for a while. Making you feel trapped at home doesn't do either one of you any good.

Just that general feeling that I'm failing, badly.

I think you should distrust those feelings right now, Allyson. I know you can't stop feeling what you feel, but by any objective metric you are doing well, and everyone here will vouch for you being an amazing woman.

I think you should distrust those feelings right now, Allyson. I know you can't stop feeling what you feel, but by any objective metric you are doing well, and everyone here will vouch for you being an amazing woman.

What Burrell said. Also, what meara said. I know it's much easier said than done, but her wellbeing is not your responsibility.

Oh, Consuela, I'm so sorry. I wish I had advice or something for you.

Suela's right, go to the hotel, Allyson. That way you can control how much time you have to spend with your parents.

And I can't do it. And they have utterly refused to have more help from strangers than ten hours a week, which doesn't even come close to covering what they need.

Have you tried laying out their options and pointing out that refusing the in-home care that IS available means they need an assisted living facility? Which makes me think, have you and your sister toured any of the nearby facilities? It's probably time to start making some hard choices.

And okay, to both Allyson and Suela, I apologize. I realize I sound like I'm telling y'all what to do, and you're both smart enough to make your own choices. Sorry.

I feel like a horrid person for being grateful that parental care is no longer something I need to worry about. I need to send something to my sister thanking her for being there for my mother.

Oh, that's one thing on top of another Suela, how awful. Is part of the issue with a nursing home/care facility that it would be hard to keep them together? I know alzheimer's patients often have separate wards and things, with locks and alarms and such.

Yeah I dunno. Starting the week feeling like garbage, I can't do three more days of feeling like garbage. Amazing isn't really in my sphere.

I'm feeling too weak to get myself out of this mess. Just typing into the void and will probably feel stupid and melodramatic for doing so later.

Is part of the issue with a nursing home/care facility that it would be hard to keep them together?

The biggest issue has been my mother's mental health--she's paranoid, anxiety-prone ("prone" doesn't begin to cover the extent of her anxieties: without a constant dose of Xanax, she becomes hysterical at the drop of a hat, or no hat at all), and claustrophobic. Just the thought of a locked facility sends her into conniptions.

But the paranoia makes it really really hard to get her to accept any help in the home, and Dad has been unwilling/unable to force the issue.

The best solution for them would be for me to quit my job and move in with them.

... that is, until I lose my mind and run screaming into the night. Sigh.

Allyson, don't know where I accidentally posted this instead of here but:

You have a decent job, and are a published author on the side even if the latter is not yet a major second income. You have tons of friends. You have the respect of a huge community. You do volunteer work besides. By any reasonable definition you are amazing and a success. I know "reasonable" does not affect feelings, but maybe coming from someone know for bluntness you will be able to consider that perhaps it is true.

oh Consuela. I'm sorry. Ugh.

Allyson, can you tell your folks that a friend (could be one of us) is suddenly in town and you will be spending the day with us? That will give you an out, you can get a hotel room and perhaps a massage and can get right.

Hell, maybe an ex-bf?