My mother has been told to expect a really rough time

I wish people wouldn't do this. Her doctors can probably assess her recovery from surgery pretty well, but no one can predict her reaction to chemo. I don't think it helps going in believing it's going to be terrible. It's frequently not.

I send you something today, ita !

I was just reading David Rakoff's book Half Empty, and he talks about a thing called defensive pessimism, where people figure out the worst-case scenario, but then make plans to avoid it or deal with it, but it sounds like the kind of thing that's only natural to a certain group of people, and probably hardly any of the other people learn how to do it. So anyway, I wonder if the people who say she'll (or anyone will) have a rough time (with anything) are naturally defensive pessimists, who think it's a good idea to plan for the worst case, so you can either implement those plans and be OK, or be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't come to pass.

My mother does not need defensive pessimism. She's like my sister (and kinda unlike me). She needs positivity around her. She believes what people with credentials (academic or trusted emotionally) tell her. It's her way.

It's interesting -- I was trying to convince my father about how GPS worked (or didn't). It took me fifteen minutes to dislodge my father's convictions. About five for my sister, and thirty seconds for my mother. If I tell her I know how GPS works, she believes me, because it's computers and I know more about them than she does.

So, in short, doctors need to be actually realistic with her. Because she will take them at their word, if she trusts them enough to put her life in their hands (not that she trusts easily--but when she does, it's pretty complete).

it sounds like the kind of thing that's only natural to a certain group of people, and probably hardly any of the other people learn how to do it

I've heard it called catastrophic thinking, too. I think I learned it as a kid, defensively, when it came to my mom's health. So now it's natural for me to, for example, get all the way through planning Stephen's funeral and the first few months without him if he's really late coming home and it's bad weather or something.

It sounds morbid, and it sometimes feels awful while I'm doing it, but afterwards, when the worst hasn't come to pass, I know I could handle it (or I've convinced myself I could, anyway) if it did.

So, in short, doctors need to be actually realistic with her.

Whatever works.

I think it's realistic to say: Chemo hits some people harder than others. If you have a lot of trouble, we can make adjustments that may make it better. Be sure to tell me about any side effects you have, because there may be drugs that can help you cope with them.

Few people believe in positive thinking less than I do. In general, my theory is "Be grumpy. You have cancer. It sucks." However, I have really seen that people who are convinced that chemo is going to be horrible are more likely to have horrible experiences. In some cases, this has been because, since the person was convinced she was supposed to feel horrible, she didn't tell the doctor what was going on or ask for different drugs.

I have been accused of being steadfastly optimistic in the face of certain disaster. We are the way we are. Chemo really does hit each person differently. Some of it is the physical body's reaction; some of it is the person's emotional attitude. The trickiest part for the bystanders is knowing what the patient needs from us.

ita, all the strength in the world for your and yours.

I'm a worst-case projector, too. Defensive pessimism is a good way to put it. If *I* expect the worst and plan how to deal with it, anything better is a pleasant surprise, and a piece of cake to deal with.

But giving factual information is always better--that way the person affected can process it whatever way is best for them. Your mom sounds like a person who deals best with facts and plans, not worst-case prep. I'm sure she's surrounded by a sea of caring people and good wishes. I wish you could be there for her in person, ita. But your caring contact will stil be a source of strength for her.

And your contact with sister and father may do some real good, too.

ita, it may be a good time to inquire if you can get paid/unpaid FML from work. Back at my Houghton job, a coworker was out for two months to see his mom through the worst stretch of her cancer. At least that way you'd have A Plan.

Ginger, you are so wise. This is so important to remember:

I think it's realistic to say: Chemo hits some people harder than others. If you have a lot of trouble, we can make adjustments that may make it better. Be sure to tell me about any side effects you have, because there may be drugs that can help you cope with them...I have really seen that people who are convinced that chemo is going to be horrible are more likely to have horrible experiences. In some cases, this has been because, since the person was convinced she was supposed to feel horrible, she didn't tell the doctor what was going on or ask for different drugs.

Also, this just made me chortle:

Few people believe in positive thinking less than I do. In general, my theory is "Be grumpy. You have cancer. It sucks."

I'm sorry, ita. Hang in there. We're thinking about your mom. Ginger, I'm glad to know chemo has gotten better for some people.