I only read the one about praising (or not) intelligence over effort, but I want to go back and read the others. IQ has always fascinated me.

Allyson, are your parents okay with having them there for a while?

I can say without reading it that I was too often praised for something pretty much out of my control - intelligence - and not for effort, because I was lazy as shit, but no one really noticed, I guess. God, how I wish I had noticed! Before, like, thirty-five. Effort and self-discipline, my holy grails. (You can have two, right? Oh, hell, I've got several more!)

Lots of ~ma, Allyson.

Happiest of birthdays to Calli and Burrell!!

I am JenP.

I've made a real effort with Ben and Sara to emphasize that they enjoy something, or that they're trying really hard, rather than "Oh, you're so smart!"

For instance, Sara has been so proud of herself that she's gotten all A's on her first tests of the year, which is fine. But every time, I tell her, "An A is great! You really worked really hard. But don't forget as long as you're trying, another grade is totally okay, too."

I meant to say, too, with stuff like stories from art or music, or when she wants to be reassured that she's a "good artist," I always try to say, "I love how much you enjoy doing it! That's the best part." Which, you know, hopefully it sinks in.

I went through a phase as a kid where I'd refuse to say "thank you" if I was complimented on something that I hadn't put any effort into. So, if someone said, "You're really good at that," when it was something I knew came easily to me, I refused to say "thank you," because it would be taking credit for something I hadn't done. I'm not sure why this started, but it lasted at least several years, with my mother always having to push me to be polite to people while I was trying to explain my reasoning. By the same token, I would get very upset if my mother said "thank you" when someone complimented her on something I'd done when I knew that I'd done it myself, without her help.

I wish I had been even remotely self-aware like that, Hil. I'd suck up some childhood impoliteness for that kind of awareness.

Amy, you're awesome.

smonster... dude, I am so sorry you are me in that. But, hey, at least we're self-aware now? Which doesn't always help, but often does, as I have seen in many of your posts... posts which I have found helpful to me, if that's at all useful for you to hear.

How far back is Kristin's link? I missed it somehow.

I'm not really awesome. When it comes to Ben and Sara it's just been really easy to navigate parenthood. They're incredibly cooperative and fun kids.

Oh, just take the compliment, HilAmy.

By which I mean, was pretty fun and easy, too, but I still wish I'd been praised otherly. No blame, you understand. It is what it is, and I was treated fantastically as I kid, just... I was inherently lazy, but it was not obvious that that was the case and probably needed to be addressed. I wish now (not then!) that I had been called on shit more.

ETA: Or maybe it was noticed, but since I still managed to get done what I needed to do my job at the time, which was get good grades, I was excused for my poor habits. Who knows. Bygones.

Stephanie, Pix "Natter 69: Practically names itself." Oct 19, 2011 4:28:50 pm PDT.