I went through a phase as a kid where I'd refuse to say "thank you" if I was complimented on something that I hadn't put any effort into. So, if someone said, "You're really good at that," when it was something I knew came easily to me, I refused to say "thank you," because it would be taking credit for something I hadn't done. I'm not sure why this started, but it lasted at least several years, with my mother always having to push me to be polite to people while I was trying to explain my reasoning. By the same token, I would get very upset if my mother said "thank you" when someone complimented her on something I'd done when I knew that I'd done it myself, without her help.

I wish I had been even remotely self-aware like that, Hil. I'd suck up some childhood impoliteness for that kind of awareness.

Amy, you're awesome.

smonster... dude, I am so sorry you are me in that. But, hey, at least we're self-aware now? Which doesn't always help, but often does, as I have seen in many of your posts... posts which I have found helpful to me, if that's at all useful for you to hear.

How far back is Kristin's link? I missed it somehow.

I'm not really awesome. When it comes to Ben and Sara it's just been really easy to navigate parenthood. They're incredibly cooperative and fun kids.

Oh, just take the compliment, HilAmy.

By which I mean, was pretty fun and easy, too, but I still wish I'd been praised otherly. No blame, you understand. It is what it is, and I was treated fantastically as I kid, just... I was inherently lazy, but it was not obvious that that was the case and probably needed to be addressed. I wish now (not then!) that I had been called on shit more.

ETA: Or maybe it was noticed, but since I still managed to get done what I needed to do my job at the time, which was get good grades, I was excused for my poor habits. Who knows. Bygones.

Stephanie, Pix "Natter 69: Practically names itself." Oct 19, 2011 4:28:50 pm PDT.

Thank you, Jen! Hee.

Aged White Cheddar Pirate's Booty is the best thing ever. EVER.

I've made a real effort with Ben and Sara to emphasize that they enjoy something, or that they're trying really hard, rather than "Oh, you're so smart!”

Yep, this is exactly it. It’s a hugely important thing to understand as a teacher or a parent, and such the opposite of what my generation was raised with. There were smart kids and mediocre kids and dumb kids--very caste-like--and if you were “smart” but didn’t get something right away, maybe you weren’t as smart as you’d thought. SUCH a different mindset than one that sees failure as an opportunity for growth. The really amazing thing is the research Dweck conducted with elementary school students.Here is the article that really, profoundly shifted my understanding of intelligence and how it was impacting my students: [link]

Along with reading that, if you want to see how you fall in the fixed-growth mindset range? There’s a quiz here: [link]

The one thing I get with Sara a LOT is that she wants to be reassured, or just loves praise. "Do you think I'm a good artist, Mommy?" That kind of thing. And that's more nebulous than grades and academics, certainly, but I always, "Do you like doing art? What's your favorite thing to do?" or something along those lines, to sort of steer her away from the good/bad mindset.

Pix, both those links go to the same page.