Oh Maria. I’m so sorry, friend.

Java – They sound fun! We have been so lucky being in the LA-area to meet lots of two mom families with babies our guy’s age. I said to DW, “Who knew that you had to have a kid to meet the lovely ladies in your neighborhood?”

Thanks for all the good thoughts. I’m feeling much better after my doctor visit. He said the odds are low that it is cancerous, and even if it is is, it is usually resolved by removing the thyroid. He really put me at ease and I’m feeling much less stress around it. Now I just wait for 3/15 to get the thing biopsied. Can’t believe that was the first available! Argh!

Oh, Maria, I wish I knew how to help you let go of that regret. No, your relationship wasn't perfect -- not to sound flippant, but whose is? -- but you both stuck with each other and loved each other, and that means a lot.

If this is unhelpful, feel free to disregard. I don't want to tell you how to feel; as others have said, your thoughts and emotions are going to be huge and overwhelming for a while, and the best you can do is ride them out. I'm just sorry that this is a part of it for you.

{{Maria}} I wish there were some shortcut through the worst of the mind and body wracking grief. The only thing I can pass along from the experience of being widowed too young is that every single tough thing that has happened since that experience has been no big deal. When all around me are flailing arms claiming some huge catastrophe that surely is the end of the world, I just shrug. Whatever. The experience of losing Stephen left me calm in the face of whatever disasters have followed, and gave me a completely different view of what the hell was important, and more significantly, what was not important.

All marriages have problems. My sister was in a very bad place with her husband when he died in a car accident. I sometimes think she had a tougher road than me because of the unresolved issues and guilt factor. I can't say I am grateful for the 18 months of horrible illness Steve had to endure, but we didn't have anything left unsaid.

The short version, grief sucks way beyond anything I ever anticipated, and still socks me in the gut 25 years later at sudden and unexpected moments. It does get better. Really it does.

{{{Maria}}}

He said the odds are low that it is cancerous, and even if it is is, it is usually resolved by removing the thyroid.

True. I had my thyroid removed and 1 round of radiation. And, 10 (!) years later, cancer free.

Now I just wait for 3/15 to get the thing biopsied. Can’t believe that was the first available! Argh!

Waiting to find out sucks, but even if it is cancer, thyroid cancer is typically slow growing, so waiting a few weeks is not a health issue. Totally a mental one that I truly understand, though.

Oh Maria.

You're human, Maria. And so is he. And neither of you could see the future. I'm so sorry that this adds to your pain.

This needed to be repeated.

And I can't listen to music. Too many landmines

I had to make specific playlists that I could listen to, because too many things would just blindside me. And there are songs I'm probably never going to listen to again.

Ginger,

how are you doing? Have you had the tests scheduled yet?

and lots of It's Nothing~ma! to GC!

ION, I thought about turning Vlad into glove liners last night. He's constantly searching for things to play with, to the point of pulling things off shelves. A lot of my fuzzy critters and dolls have been moved to higher shelves over the past few months.

He somehow got my Wendy Froud doll off a shelf, and gnawed her hat off. The doll is fine, and I can fix the hat, but I completely melted down over it last night. Not only because the Little Sister doll is one-of-a-kind, but because she's a bright spot of magic in my life. But she's fine, thank goodness.

{{{Maria}}} I wish I could offer advice. The engineer in me wants to solve all problems, and I know that's not possible. The music lover in me offers this advice. Since you miss music, but the "landmines" want to be avoided. Maybe explore new music that doesn't have any memories attached? If you listen to pop, maybe try jazz. If you listen to jazz, maybe classical/orchestral. I don't recomend show tunes, they just stick in the head and drive you crazy (maybe that's just the theater sound guy talking). If you have cable TV or an AppleTV, or even iTunes, they all have music sources where you can pick by genre. Pick something new. Fill the house with sound. If ya don't like it. Go to the next one. Me? I'd say go for zydeco! It's upbeat, helps me clean the apartment, and not something in most peoples normal CD collection. {{{Maria}}}

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GC, glad to hear the doc put you at ease. Here is keeping fingers crossed all is benign and easily taken care of.

Oh, I like that music advice, o_a. Makes sense.

Yay, for smart and calming docs, GC.

every single tough thing that has happened since that experience has been no big deal. When all around me are flailing arms claiming some huge catastrophe that surely is the end of the world, I just shrug. Whatever. The experience of losing [Stephen] StE left me calm in the face of whatever disasters have followed, and gave me a completely different view of what the hell was important, and more significantly, what was not important.

Laura speaks for me too, Maria. Thinking of you every day.