Maria please -- what everyone else said about it not being your fault. You know who I fight most with? Scott, my kids, and my mother. You know who I love the most? Scott, my kids, and my mother. You know who I never fight with? The meter reader. It's a correlation, not a coincidence. What -t said, too.

Did you get any sleep, at all? Are your parents home with you?

We're here. We have your back, and your front, and all the sides of you and your heart. All the corners and sharp places and broken shards. Even if we can't do anything at all but be here, we will not stop being here. This minute, and the next, and the next. All you have to think about is getting from this minute to the next one, and one of us will be there (literally every single minute -- between our different time zones and all the insomnia I'm pretty sure we have you covered around the clock).

Also, -t is deeply wise.

eta: So is Cindy.

{{{{{Maria}}}}} There a just no words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I'm glad you have your family there, and if you need anything at all, please let us know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Beaming all my love to you, Maria, Care Bear Stare-style. Whatever you need to say that you may feel you can't say, you can say it here. We love you. Giving up on you is so ridiculous a thought that I don't even know what it would mean. I wish I could be there for hugs and cuddles and tears, but I hope you can feel some measure of the love and support we have for you.

Maria - I'm around if you want to talk or just sit -

What Sox said.

Yup, what JZ Said. And yeah, totally happy about that insomnia right now because it meant I could be there for you. Yay for buffistas all over.

But yes, it hurts and it's gonna hurt, and in addition to -t's excellent advice, I'll add that everyone will be telling you things to do or think or feel for the next while and you should feel able to blissfully ignore all or any of them, including us. Only you know what's happening in your heart or head and no one can tell you otherwise. But yes, like the wise lady said, we're here, so lean.

((((Maria))))

Do. Not. Blame. Yourself. And if for some reason you find that you do, don't beat yourself up over it.

And let yourself be taken care of. There's a reason that funeral traditions are so firmly set in one's psyche. The rituals are so automatic, you don't have to use any psychic energy to think. All you have to do is do.

Maria, you'll feel what you feel. Nothing you feel is "wrong" - it's an emotion, it's real, but it will change in time.

And whatever argument you had - before that, there were months of standing by him, being what he needed. You came here to vent so you could be what he needed without cracking. Let your family and friends support you.

Maria, I'm sorry. And I'm sure it had nothing to do with stuff you said...just unfortunate timing.

We are here, Maria.