why didn't you ask her out before? You've been crushing on her for 20 months? Why not ask her out 18 months ago?

Because I don't ask girls out? Because she's in my theatre crowd and I see her all the time and I didn't want things to be awkward if/when she said no? Because everything is marriage marriage white devils so I had to evaluate how much I liked her and if it was worth it? Because my default assumption is that women don't like me and I am bothering them? I've basically given up at this point.

(I'm going to be busy all day, so if I don't respond, it's not a flounce.)

Because my default assumption is that women don't like me and I am bothering them?

I think this is where you might need to adjust your thinking. If you don't try, I can guarantee it won't happen. If you try, the possibility is always there. The possibility for getting hurt or rejected is also there. So, you need to ask yourself, would you rather for sure not have a girlfriend and not risk getting hurt or take the chance of having a girlfriend and accept the risks that come with it. Honestly, either answer is fine. It's just determining what you want and what you're willing to risk or give up.

Oh Laura, I'm sorry to hear that the path to adulthood has been such a slog for him, but your ability to mother him without smothering him is inspiring.

He just doesn't get it and totally spins all his failures as other people's issues.

Ugh that's a hard one. I have a few family members who do that and it's so frustrating to watch. It's not even the being wrong part that upsets me, it's the fact that without taking personal responsibility for their own choices and actions, there's no way to change what they've been doing and get to a place that makes them happier.

t points upward to ChiKat

Yeah, I've been single all my life and don't know another way to live, so I'm sure there's an amount of self-sabotage going on. This conversation has unexpectedly opened up a hole in my chest, so I think I'll just crawl into it and die. By which I mean I have an offsite today and need to not have this on my mind all day.

This conversation has unexpectedly opened up a hole in my chest, so I think I'll just crawl into it and die.

I snort laughed in empathy. Sometimes it just takes a little poke where we're very vulnerable to cause a whole lot of pain. See re: me and StW.

P-C, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to open any holes, I promise. You've seemed so unhappy about your dating life for several years. I really just want you to be happy. In whatever form that looks like for you.

What ChiKat said - both times.

P-C,

I know this is a cheesy suggestion, and you may have gone this route already, but what about online personals? That's how I got out of my rut (both times), and one was a 4 year relationship and the other is ongoing since "Matrix."

I had very little success before going online and it helped me know myself, become a bit more confident, and learn where I wanted to compromise and where I didn't. It can be hard to think of one's self as an interesting person who has value and can be loved until you find some people out there with whom you connect.

The added benefit of online dating is that I could regale my friends and relatives with stories about the people with whom I interacted on a weekly basis.

{{{Pix}}} I'm so sorry for your loss. I got my late kitty Josie in 94 and it was quite a blow to have to put her down at 14. Peace to you, friend.

Laura, use me as your good example. I flunked out of college at 22 (after being pretty out of control for a couple of years with partying and such) and worked a series of ick jobs and moved in with my boyfriend. My parents were very upset. At 23, I got a job as a receptionist at a company where a former high school classmate was working a real job, making good money. That was what I guess I needed to see as I got back in school and graduated with a BA two years later. I even went for Masters a few years ago at UCLA. Those early years are a time of flailing and discovery. He'll come around, I just know it.

{{{P-C}}} Sending warm fuzzies your way.

The added benefit of online dating is that I could regale my friends and relatives with stories about the people with whom I interacted on a weekly basis.

Ah, yes. I now have such fabulous tales to tell as "The Tedious Cokehead," "You Can't Map an Old Person Onto a Pet," and "Tell Your Fat Bitch of a Sister...".