I actually don't hate my body, although I kind of feel about it like I do our house: man, it needs some work, and with some effort, it could be delightful. Not perfect, not a magazine-worthy showplace, but pretty delightful for my needs. But I don't hate it.

What I'm having a harder and harder time with, though, is how many other people hate it, simply because it's large. People who don't even know me, and are utterly hateful about just the poorly defined idea of "fat." It actually kind of scares me.

So very much this.

And now, Bitches style, I am laughing at both the sad state of the world, and at my own snark.

Loves WS

Loving on both Windsparrow and sj. Wishing it was better.

Gut flora as Kaylee is perfect. I've been paying more attention to feeding Kaylee lately too.

I don't hate my body, but I don't much like what I see in the mirror. Maybe I'm just in denial, and I still believe that the me in my head is the real me, not the mirror-me. Seeing myself in photographs is always shocking, every time. OMG I'm fat! Yeah, surprise, that's not a new situation, Self.

Sometimes I wonder if it still counts as dysmorphia if shitloads of people agree with me. Maybe that's really a bullshit consensus.

I'm not happy with my weight. Ive blamed it on Seroquel and I was hoping when I cut back I'd magically lose weight. So far that doesn't seem to be happening. Although I find myself eating less and differently so maybe it will happen.

The city put out a little thing with walking paths marked and you can work to fill the whole thing in. Maybe now that it's nice out I'll start on that.

Mostly I procrastinate (and eat chocolate too often). Right now I'm procrastinating becuase my landlady is coming in tomorrow to change my toilet and the smoke detector batteries. I've known this for 2 weeks. I've been working on it and I took stuff to Salvation Army, threw out a bunch of stuff last night.

I still need to clean the bathroom, do a bunch of dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen floor and mostly figure out what level of clean is appropriate for the landlady.

I may get Mom on skype later and ask her opinion.

Seeing myself in photographs is always shocking, every time. OMG I'm fat! Yeah, surprise, that's not a new situation, Self

Zen is me.

I don't diet any more, but I do try to eat heathly because it makes me feel better and I can do more. The last year or so I haven't been mindful about what I eat and I haven't been exercising as much as I used to and I'm not happy with the results. And right now, I'm so swamped and stressed with other stuff, I've just let myself continue on this road. Mentally I know that if I'm more mindful and if I get my arse to karate more, I'll feel better and be less stressed. Still hasn't given me the kick in the pants to actually do those things.

I know I feel better when I cut out white starches and minimize sugar intake. And am more judicious with the chocolate (ahhh, sweet chocolate).

I'm not happy with my weight. Ive blamed it on Seroquel and I was hoping when I cut back I'd magically lose weight. So far that doesn't seem to be happening.

The blame for my initial weight gain is squarely on the antidepressant I got prescribed at the time. Elavil, a tricyclic. The doctor didn't tell me it would make me gain weight. Switching to Prozac didn't help. The first time I went off the ADs, I lost about 20 pounds with a strict low-calorie diet and exercise every day. When I stopped doing that and went back on Prozac, I regained even more weight. That's been the pattern ever since: lose some, gain back more. I haven't taken an AD in almost three years now, but stopping them did not result in any weight loss. FWIW, the four months I had a trainer and went to the gym at least three times a week also did not result in any weight loss. I really do think that the ADs somehow reset the switch in my brain that tells my body what I should weigh, and I don't know how to set it back.

I actually find action packs movies and tv very calming when I'm angry or upset. The radio in my car was playing loud, angry music on the way to the restaurant.

Sometimes the crowd on the subway makes me crazy. Most days I don't mind it, but sometimes they're a little antsy or I'm a little anxious and I can barely deal.

I realized that I LIKE crowds at (and only at) punk shows. So now when the subway is making me crazed I put something like this on the iPod, close my eyes, and pretend the people shoving me are a mosh pit. It is remarkably soothing. It's also soothing for a massage... I don't much mind getting hurt at shows either. Once my Aunt walked in while I was being massaged and said, "Is this on intentionally ?" The masseus (whom I had met back stage at the Stone Pony at one of the band's shows) and I just laughed.

I loathe the condition I am in compared to healthier days, which were thinner days. I hate that I can't push myself up on the dock and out of my kayak and have to roll out. I hate not being able to work in the yard or do a bunch of other things due to energy or bulk reasons. In particular now that I am a few months away from 60, things gotta change.

Laura, what's the name of your program?

It is the Fast Metabolism Diet. [link] I am eating so much food, and have so much more energy. And 11 pounds so far gone. It is crazy complex, but it is working. Send me an email if you want more info.

Laura, that looks a lot like what I'm doing now - the eat-everything diet! Well, almost everything - after all these years of reading everything I can find about healthy eating, the only thing I'm quite sure of is that trans-fats/hydrogenated vegetable oils are terrible. That one rule cuts out most "junk" food. Aside from that, eat everything.

I think my metabolism is getting better, too. I have more energy (though that's usually true in the first few weeks of a new "eating style") and the most important change, my hands and feet aren't freezing anymore. I've been keeping the thermostat about four degrees lower than I usually do, because I haven't been cold. No more socks at bedtime!

My intestines and I have never been on good terms. Stress sets off a round of cramping and unpleasantness. I suspect that this last round of chemo did a number on my gut biome, because many foods I used to like don't appeal to me at all. You'd think that would make me lose weight, but instead I eat too much of what does appeal, which is mostly carbs. I wish they made people chow: something crunchy and filling made with wholesome ingredients.