In previous appointments my therapist was shocked at how strong my body hatred is.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Well, Ok, maybe the world would be a better place if greedy capitalist power-hungry madmen were so consumed with self-loathing they couldn't spare the energy for taking over the world.

And now, Bitches style, I am laughing at both the sad state of the world, and at my own snark.

Huh.

WS, I love that thought.

Remember when people wouldn't use the handicapped stalls in bathrooms unless they were handicapped, had a small child with them, or there were no other stalls available? Well based on my recent experiences, those days are over.

I used to wish I was "just" fat, because it seemed so much more fixable than this other bullshit. But I was young and stupid then, and thought those "After" makeovers were actually awesome. And I also didn't realize what a gift I have in a quick metabolic rate that I haven't learned to doubt because of all my diets/food compulsions.ETA: I learned a lot about women and weight once I stopped letting TV be my mirror on the world so much...it's, of course, in their interest to tell us that worrying about every crumb is living simply. And, of course, people like me talk about parking spaces, period.

I actually don't hate my body, although I kind of feel about it like I do our house: man, it needs some work, and with some effort, it could be delightful. Not perfect, not a magazine-worthy showplace, but pretty delightful for my needs. But I don't hate it.

What I'm having a harder and harder time with, though, is how many other people hate it, simply because it's large. People who don't even know me, and are utterly hateful about just the poorly defined idea of "fat." It actually kind of scares me.

So very much this.

And now, Bitches style, I am laughing at both the sad state of the world, and at my own snark.

Loves WS

Loving on both Windsparrow and sj. Wishing it was better.

Gut flora as Kaylee is perfect. I've been paying more attention to feeding Kaylee lately too.

I don't hate my body, but I don't much like what I see in the mirror. Maybe I'm just in denial, and I still believe that the me in my head is the real me, not the mirror-me. Seeing myself in photographs is always shocking, every time. OMG I'm fat! Yeah, surprise, that's not a new situation, Self.

Sometimes I wonder if it still counts as dysmorphia if shitloads of people agree with me. Maybe that's really a bullshit consensus.

I'm not happy with my weight. Ive blamed it on Seroquel and I was hoping when I cut back I'd magically lose weight. So far that doesn't seem to be happening. Although I find myself eating less and differently so maybe it will happen.

The city put out a little thing with walking paths marked and you can work to fill the whole thing in. Maybe now that it's nice out I'll start on that.

Mostly I procrastinate (and eat chocolate too often). Right now I'm procrastinating becuase my landlady is coming in tomorrow to change my toilet and the smoke detector batteries. I've known this for 2 weeks. I've been working on it and I took stuff to Salvation Army, threw out a bunch of stuff last night.

I still need to clean the bathroom, do a bunch of dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen floor and mostly figure out what level of clean is appropriate for the landlady.

I may get Mom on skype later and ask her opinion.

Seeing myself in photographs is always shocking, every time. OMG I'm fat! Yeah, surprise, that's not a new situation, Self

Zen is me.

I don't diet any more, but I do try to eat heathly because it makes me feel better and I can do more. The last year or so I haven't been mindful about what I eat and I haven't been exercising as much as I used to and I'm not happy with the results. And right now, I'm so swamped and stressed with other stuff, I've just let myself continue on this road. Mentally I know that if I'm more mindful and if I get my arse to karate more, I'll feel better and be less stressed. Still hasn't given me the kick in the pants to actually do those things.

I know I feel better when I cut out white starches and minimize sugar intake. And am more judicious with the chocolate (ahhh, sweet chocolate).

I'm not happy with my weight. Ive blamed it on Seroquel and I was hoping when I cut back I'd magically lose weight. So far that doesn't seem to be happening.

The blame for my initial weight gain is squarely on the antidepressant I got prescribed at the time. Elavil, a tricyclic. The doctor didn't tell me it would make me gain weight. Switching to Prozac didn't help. The first time I went off the ADs, I lost about 20 pounds with a strict low-calorie diet and exercise every day. When I stopped doing that and went back on Prozac, I regained even more weight. That's been the pattern ever since: lose some, gain back more. I haven't taken an AD in almost three years now, but stopping them did not result in any weight loss. FWIW, the four months I had a trainer and went to the gym at least three times a week also did not result in any weight loss. I really do think that the ADs somehow reset the switch in my brain that tells my body what I should weigh, and I don't know how to set it back.