Sending you love, Maria.

I know vulnerability isn't weakness, but it sure feels that way.

And Stephanie hits the nail on the head.

Does that worst thing outweigh staying where you are?

The two things I know with absolute certainty is that I have to get out of my current job, and I have to get out of the house in Frederick. I can't stay where I'm at. I resent the house because it's been a drain on my finances for years now, and oh, yeah, I found my husband dead in the basement. Will I miss it? You bet. I loved that house when we bought it. But I don't need it anymore. It represents everything in the past.

I don't know how not to try too hard. I'm all or nothing in everything. And I'm impatient, which can be a deadly combination, making everything blow up in my face.

part of my angst right now is the fact that I'm using this as my safe place without contributing to the joy.

Hey, you might feel that way, but your presence -- regardless of the content of your posts -- makes me happy. When things are hard for you, I wish like hell that they weren't so damn hard, but I NEVER wish you would go away until you had something objectively joyful to talk about.

You're my friend. You're here, regardless of what you have to say. That increases my joy. And, I'm guessing, everyone else's.

What Steph said. I'm glad I know you, and that's the joy. I don't expect my friends to shower me with rainbows and kittens every day, especially when they're having a hard time.

t puts rainbow back in knapsack

t edit I'm not having a hard time, but since you said you don't expect to be showered with rainbows, then I'ma keep this one. So there.

Ppplllbbbt.

Was away traveling and then spent yesterday recovering from an attack of vertigo (too many sleep deprived days in a row).

In terms of low salt cooking at home - a great resource is frozen veggies (if they are not preflavored - no salt added) and also if you shop at TJs anyway their already chopped washed onions, onion/garlic/shallot mixture, prewashed greens and so forth. Defrost frozen veggies in a crockpot in the fridge overnight, add meat and your choice of flavoring on low, if not done when you get home turn up to high. You can also add pasta about 45 minutes before it is ready. (If not enough liquid for pasta add appropriate amount of boiling water to crockpot befefore adding liquid. ) When you are done, the only pot you have to clean is the crockpot. For example, TJ cleaned mushrooms, TJ cleaned onion/garlic/shallot mix plus frozen spinach, frozen peppers defrosted in crockpot overnight, plus can of not salt tomatoes or fresh tomatoes if you want to go to trouble. ground meat of choice - low fat if you wish, honey (1/2 teapspoon per serving), lemon juice, olive oil, powdered garlic, marjormam, sweet basil, thyme, rosemary, oregano, white or black pepper, a little salt or salt substitue amount controlled by you. If you are home just cook on high for 5 hours, adding pasta in 4th hour. Probably the veggies and meat will make enough of their own juice (especially if you use canned tomatoes) but if there is not a lot liquid as I say you can add a cup of boiling water before you add the pasta. If it is a work day, put it up on low. By the time you get home it should at least be at the equivalent of having cooked for 4 hours. If everything is not quite done you can turn up to high before adding the pasta. If everything is cooked just add the pasta. In either case leave crockpot on until pasta is tender and has absorbed the liquid so it is no longer soupy. Stir every ten or fifteen minutes to make sure past cooks evenly and you does not end up with raw spots and also to ensure it does not clump. Whole wheat pasta should be done in a half an hour to an hour. Non-whole wheat a bit quicker. Proportions - figure out how many servings you want, veggies according to how many oz veggies you want per serving, meat according to how many oz meat you want per serving, pasta - well you know. spices and lemon juice - to taste, but slow cookers make flavors much milder so if you are not used to crockpot cooking add about the double the lemon juice and spices you think you need.

Of course you can cook this stuff on top of the stove or in an oven or in a microwave if you want. (If you cook in a microwave, give the frozen veggies a headstart on high until frozen, then everyting but the meat and pasta until cooked. Then add the meat and partially cooked pasta, stirring occasionally -with a microwave you will need to boil the pasta in water on top of the stove about 2/3rds of the time the package to precook the pasta before add with the meat to absorb the extra juices - Crockpot if you don't mind the actual cooking time is the least work of the various cooking methods).

And Maria, have nothing to add to wise advice, but please post all you want. I want to know how you are doing and if telling us helps you then we all win.

I don't expect my friends to shower me with rainbows and kittens every day, especially when they're having a hard time.

I was promised kittens from heaven! Where are my kittens from heaven??

At the shelter, I know. Would that I could afford them all.

I was promised kittens from heaven! Where are my kittens from heaven??

At the shelter, I know.

I think they're all in the internets.