I know in England there are lots of commonly hyphenated family names that go to both men and women. I wonder how they resolve the programming issue.

So, why don't you just stay Steph Lang after you marry?

Will it break Tim's heart if you don't?

Nope, it won't. But I also want his name. It's not an uncomplicated issue for me.

The point I was making w/r/t the "it's MY name" was that it's facile to say that it's still a man's name because it came from my dad. It's not the equivalent of a cattle brand that tells the world who I belong to. It's more than just my father's name, and the choice is to keep a man's name (my father) or take a man's name (my husband). The name I have came from my dad, but it's MINE.

As for whether I'll keep it, I don't know. I wouldn't be talking about it like this if it were a forgone conclusion. Lots of thinking in my future.

I know in England there are lots of commonly hyphenated family names

Something I first became aware of in Monty Python's immortal "Upperclass Twit Of The Year" sketch.

It's problematic for people to be gay too when dealing with things like insurance and medical offices and HR. They aren't the ones that need to change.

This.

My lastname is totally made up. Apparently Sweden enforced a rule at some point to stop this -son -dottir shit, though my paternal grandfather's family didn't really care and when he immigrated, he had to stick with a name. He picked a common one a distance from a father he didn't like. He wasn't Ander's son.

And then we got stuck with US conventions when my grandparents married. My grandmother wasn't a -son or -dottir, she had her mother's maiden. Her parents didn't actually have the same last name when they immigrated either, they only married TO immigrate. And hell, I don't know my grandmother's first married name. I only know his firstname. Whacky.

My dad carries his mother's and father's name.

Good thing I'm never having kids cause I'd so fuck up a girlchild using ALL my grandmothers' awesome names: Astrid Tresabel Otelia Karin.

Steph, I think you should alternate last names based on the day of the week. Equal time.

And yet, I'd never change MY name. Knowing it is derived from fiction. I'm Sara XXX. Just who I am. Even if there are 60+ others in the Y database.

In the example of Mrs. Gordon-Vangeroffsen, the problem was not so much her name, as that she didn't use it consistently. I run into this problem constantly when searching our enormous database of every member of IEEE and everyone who ever published with IEEE. I've learned to check every variation of a name I can think of. Hyphens, variant spellings, and of course, mistakes made by the person who entered the name: hyphenated names spelled all together as one (Smithbarney), O'brien spelled obrian, hyphenated first names being put in the first and middle name fields (Jung-Wen is not the same as Jung Wen), and simple misspellings. And the difficulty of finding someone with a Chinese family name in our huge database is unbelievable, especially when they might use their Chinese name, their English name, or both. Many people seem to spell their names differently, or call themselves something different, every day of the week. I make an real effort to spell peoples' names the way they want them spelled, but holy crap, please just decide what your name is. Or at least decide what your name with the IEEE is!

Nope, it won't. But I also want his name. It's not an uncomplicated issue for me.

I wonder if it would help to just sit zazen with asking why you want his name. It is a choice, and it represents a change. The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Just thinking out loud on the notion...

I run into this problem constantly when searching our enormous database of every member of IEEE and everyone who ever published with IEEE.

I think part of the issue it that people are paranoid about being tracked and so don't want a single, unique identifying number (like SS#). But that would completely eliminate this problem.

IDK, I keep wondering whether/when people will accept GPS tracking on all license plates. Because the combination of license plate number and car registration already allows a lot of tracking capacity for the law, so it's not a clear issue of No Tracking. But from a police state perspective, they'd want to be able to just punch in a number and find the car on an electronic map.

But if you give that up, then there's a record of you driving off to meet your mistress or whatnot out there. Once the data is available it will be both used and misused.

It was illuminating sitting in with a LA County Sheriff's office guy with my friend Kim as they sorted out the history of police force in the Southland. Law enforcement agencies utilized intelligence gathering not just as a part of law enforcement but to advance their political power. Specifically to gather dirt on city council members to guarantee funding for a new fleet of police cars and things like that.

It is a choice, and it represents a change. The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Oh, this is definitely a factor in wanting to change it.

I'm not trying to be pugnacious about this with anyone; I'm just thinking through (out loud) my issues with this idea.