but there was the added bonus of stepdad hating when women hyphenate

That would be a bonus! I can understand the spouse having feelings one way or the other, but really there is only one person that matters in this decision, and that is the one signing the name.

I love Scrappy's notion of the spouse changing their middle name.

For what it's worth, I hear you. My first husband took my last name because he absolutely hated his, and then he kept it after the divorce. This is a very common phenomenon for women, yet he has had to deal with unbelievable amounts of judgment and censure as a result. Makes me so angry. So many people made horrible assumptions that he was "whipped" or that I was some harridan who forced the change on him when we married, when he really just wanted a fresh start. When we separated, he told me he was going to keep it because it had become his name, and he was incredibly close to my family, much more than his own. I think it is an awful remnant of patriarchy, and it's so fraught for anyone contemplating deviating from the norm. (And yes, although he and I are not friends, we are also not enemies and parted as amicably as was possible during a very painful period for both of us.)

When ND and I got married, I considered taking his last name. It's a nice one, and I did feel that same ambivalence about being married with different names--especially since I knew that it would affect perception about us being "really" together. Ultimately, I decided that I wanted to keep my own name, my own identity. I didn't change anything. ND never considered changing his name in any way--he didn't have that same emotional tumult. So I hear you and empathize with you, Tep. It's a deeply personal, deeply emotional decision, and my only advice is to do what feels right for you.

My middle name is a feminized version of my dad's first name, and I wasn't really fond of my maiden name, so I'm Beverly Middle name, Married name. My mother was unhappy, but I was cool with it. My married name is fraught with spelling and pronunciation issues, which I can either rush to help people with, or have fun watching them struggle. Hours of fun.

Teppy, I have heard of a custom of women incorporating their spouse's name thus: Firstname Marriedname Maidenname, so they share their spouse's name, but retain their own name as "last".

After years of HR admin work, I have to admit I really came to dislike hyphenated names. (Except yours, SJ. Yours is perfect.) They don't fit onto labels!

One of the main reasons why I never had hiring power is that I would have based it entirely on how short the names were.

"I realize Ms. Stephanapoulos' resume is more impressive, but look at Mr. Kim's name. Seriously. Hire Mr. Kim."

I kept my own name and had no angst about it. Husband had angst about it and feels like he has to justify it to people. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is his issue and he can deal with it how he likes.

I didn't get much crap from people, but I do still get mail and checks written to me as Dana HisLastName.

Yeah, ND's sister writes holiday gift checks to me with ND's last name. Eh. The bank still cashes it.

For sure, sign whatever name they write on the checks!

Mom took Dad's last name. (Eh, it was 1959.) The year after they were married, her MiL sent her a birthday check made out to Mom's maiden name. Message received, Grandma.

Yeah, names are fraught.

I can just barely imagine getting married. I can't imagine changing my name. But then, I'm 45, so I've had it for what will be at least half my life. Probably more. (Unless the last name was Plantagenet. That could be cool. )

And fuck, I'll have to change my signature. That's a pain.

My signature is cursive E S scrawl, all run together. So I couldn't change my last name to anything that doesn't start with a big loop.

I don't have a strong attachment to my last name, being as it's my father's name and he didn't have much attachment to me. But I never liked the idea of having to change it to my husband's name. I decided if my hypothetical future husband's name is cooler than mine, I'll change it; otherwise we'll have to have a talk.

What I'm leaning towards the most (right now) is to make my last name my middle name and take Tim's last name. But the thing is, I know when women do that, they frequently end up defaulting to Firstname HusbandsLastname, rather than Firstname Maidenname HusbandsLastname.

I did that. And the shorthand does tend to go to the Nickname and ex's Last name, true. But I use my full name a lot. And for a three letter initial, I've even trained the most resistant family to use it.

I didn't like my birth middle name, it started with the same same letter as my maiden and it felt right.

I honestly kept after divorce because First Married could be anyone in an age that I could see would be dominated by the Internet and widely-available information. It feels nicely anonymous. But legally all three are probably exclusively me. So I had both something distinct but something that doesn't freak me out with Google.

I have, since moving back to where I was known by maiden, been sure to use the whole three word name much more often. Because then people here remember why they think they should know me.