DH#1 and I both changed our last name to another name, but he hated his last name so that was more the reason. Back a million years ago it never occurred to me to not change my name. I use my maiden name as my middle name. I like DH's last name so it wasn't an issue.

When my mom married after being widowed she kept dad's name as her middle name and took her new husband's last name.

So that was no help at all! Except what I really wanted to say is that you should do what makes you comfortable.

Steph, obviously, I hyphenated my name partly because two incredibly common names become a bit more memorable hitched together...see what I did there?

However, my great aunt simply took her last name as her middle name.

I totally resonate with your feels. My husband would never even have conceived of the idea of taking my name. It just wasn't ever a discussion, but there sure was a lot of talk about how it would not be acceptable to simply keep my own. (Not that I wanted it, mind you, but that wasn't the point.)

I like DH's last name so it wasn't an issue.

I like Tim's name! And I kind of don't like mine. Until I think about changing it.

I know a name isn't identity -- I'm familiar with Romeo and Juliet -- but it's a signifier. And I've lived in this name for so long, that I can't imagine having any other. I have never doodled "Mrs. Stephanie HisLastname" on my notebooks.

And fuck, I'll have to change my signature. That's a pain.

And I've lived in this name for so long, that I can't imagine having any other

You might consider that you will have whatever new name longer. Practicing a new autograph could be fun.

You might consider that you will have whatever new name longer.

I'd better! I've always told Tim I want 50 years. Statistically, we might not get that, even if we go back to the ages we were when we first started dating (34 and 39). But if I can have my new TimName for longer than I had my StephName, that would be pretty excellent.

My mom used her maiden name as her middle name. I liked that, so I did the same...used HER maiden name. I love my dad, but I was NOT going to keep the last name "Schram." I mean, yuck. If Tim changes his middle name, then you BOTH could use Lang Hisname. No hyphen needed.

Teppy hyphenate and join me in the fun of people constantly asking, "But which one is your last name?" In the most rude tone of voice. I wanted to change my name because my last name was so common, but TCG's last name is also common and once I thought about it I couldn't give up my father's last name. My middle name was my grandmother's name. So, I really didn't want to drop my middle name and make my last name a middle name either. So I ended up hyphenating. TCG didn't care at all what I chose to do, but there was the added bonus of stepdad hating when women hyphenate.

but there was the added bonus of stepdad hating when women hyphenate

That would be a bonus! I can understand the spouse having feelings one way or the other, but really there is only one person that matters in this decision, and that is the one signing the name.

I love Scrappy's notion of the spouse changing their middle name.

For what it's worth, I hear you. My first husband took my last name because he absolutely hated his, and then he kept it after the divorce. This is a very common phenomenon for women, yet he has had to deal with unbelievable amounts of judgment and censure as a result. Makes me so angry. So many people made horrible assumptions that he was "whipped" or that I was some harridan who forced the change on him when we married, when he really just wanted a fresh start. When we separated, he told me he was going to keep it because it had become his name, and he was incredibly close to my family, much more than his own. I think it is an awful remnant of patriarchy, and it's so fraught for anyone contemplating deviating from the norm. (And yes, although he and I are not friends, we are also not enemies and parted as amicably as was possible during a very painful period for both of us.)

When ND and I got married, I considered taking his last name. It's a nice one, and I did feel that same ambivalence about being married with different names--especially since I knew that it would affect perception about us being "really" together. Ultimately, I decided that I wanted to keep my own name, my own identity. I didn't change anything. ND never considered changing his name in any way--he didn't have that same emotional tumult. So I hear you and empathize with you, Tep. It's a deeply personal, deeply emotional decision, and my only advice is to do what feels right for you.

My middle name is a feminized version of my dad's first name, and I wasn't really fond of my maiden name, so I'm Beverly Middle name, Married name. My mother was unhappy, but I was cool with it. My married name is fraught with spelling and pronunciation issues, which I can either rush to help people with, or have fun watching them struggle. Hours of fun.

Teppy, I have heard of a custom of women incorporating their spouse's name thus: Firstname Marriedname Maidenname, so they share their spouse's name, but retain their own name as "last".