The name thing wasn't as optional when I got married. I had no problem changing my last name, Neil flows more easily to my ear than my maiden name of Rush, but I got into a weird argument with my mother over my middle name. She was of the belief that my maiden name would become my middle name, but my birth middle name has been in my family for generations and I'm quite fond of it. Of course, her birth middle name was the last name of her grandmother, so maybe trading last names around made more sense to her.

Fraught things, names.

Steph, but would both of you changing to hyphenating your name-his name work?

We did talk about that, but it would be unwieldy. His name is 3 syllables, and hyphenated with mine, it would be a mouthful.

I want his name. We're going to be a family, and I want us to have the same name. But you don't need the same name to be a family. My SiL kept her name. I think my mom kept her name (actually, my dad's last name) when she married my stepdad.

But I want us to have the same name.

Except I don't want to give mine up. I'm going to be 42 by the time we get married, and this is my NAME. I've lived in it a lot. (Tim said he can't imagine thinking of me as anything other than Stephanie Lang.)

I assumed Tim would feel really strongly that he wanted me to take his name. But he's pretty much cool with whatever I want to do.

I want his name, but I hate that this isn't a struggle he has to even consider. This culture SUCKS.

What I'm leaning towards the most (right now) is to make my last name my middle name and take Tim's last name. But the thing is, I know when women do that, they frequently end up defaulting to Firstname HusbandsLastname, rather than Firstname Maidenname HusbandsLastname.

I just don't know. It's really fucking complicated.

(Other options have included: a totally new name for both of us, using letters from both of our last names to make a new name, and Tim taking my name. None of those are really jumping out as winners.)

What's Tim's last name, btw?

If it's "Cakes" then you could just be Teppy Cakes.

Okay, we are both changing our last name to "Cakes."

House Cakes FOREVER.

And the idea of being "Mrs. HisLastname" is WEIRDING ME OUT. Partly because that's his mom (and sisters-in-law [damn, EVERYONE already has that name!]), and partly because there was *already* one Mrs. Tim HisLastname.

I just wish this was something that, culturally, men struggled with the way women do. Obviously there are men who take their wives' names, or decide to hyphenate or make a new name. But the vast, vast majority of men don't ever consider changing their names -- or even consider that it's something they should consider. Because they keep their names. And they keep "Mr." NOTHING fucking changes about their names to indicate that now they're a husband. But not only will my last name change, but my Ms. changes to Mrs.

What the fuck, society. WHAT THE FUCK.

DH#1 and I both changed our last name to another name, but he hated his last name so that was more the reason. Back a million years ago it never occurred to me to not change my name. I use my maiden name as my middle name. I like DH's last name so it wasn't an issue.

When my mom married after being widowed she kept dad's name as her middle name and took her new husband's last name.

So that was no help at all! Except what I really wanted to say is that you should do what makes you comfortable.

Steph, obviously, I hyphenated my name partly because two incredibly common names become a bit more memorable hitched together...see what I did there?

However, my great aunt simply took her last name as her middle name.

I totally resonate with your feels. My husband would never even have conceived of the idea of taking my name. It just wasn't ever a discussion, but there sure was a lot of talk about how it would not be acceptable to simply keep my own. (Not that I wanted it, mind you, but that wasn't the point.)

I like DH's last name so it wasn't an issue.

I like Tim's name! And I kind of don't like mine. Until I think about changing it.

I know a name isn't identity -- I'm familiar with Romeo and Juliet -- but it's a signifier. And I've lived in this name for so long, that I can't imagine having any other. I have never doodled "Mrs. Stephanie HisLastname" on my notebooks.

And fuck, I'll have to change my signature. That's a pain.

And I've lived in this name for so long, that I can't imagine having any other

You might consider that you will have whatever new name longer. Practicing a new autograph could be fun.

You might consider that you will have whatever new name longer.

I'd better! I've always told Tim I want 50 years. Statistically, we might not get that, even if we go back to the ages we were when we first started dating (34 and 39). But if I can have my new TimName for longer than I had my StephName, that would be pretty excellent.

My mom used her maiden name as her middle name. I liked that, so I did the same...used HER maiden name. I love my dad, but I was NOT going to keep the last name "Schram." I mean, yuck. If Tim changes his middle name, then you BOTH could use Lang Hisname. No hyphen needed.