Sorry, I should bind my typing fingers.

You absolutely should not. {{{Laura}}} I'm so sorry. I hope something clicks for him and soon.

{{Laura}} I am so sorry that B continues to cause you so much mental anguish. I'm curious, though, and if this is too nosy you can tell me to piss off. Has B ever been tested for ADHD or being bipolar (a lot of the symptoms overlap and can be comorbid in bipolar disorder)? I am bipolar and know (and have in my family) people with both, so I have seen many of the same problems/issues in great detail. In many cases, the pot smoking/drinking, etc. is a form of self-medication, which just exacerbates the problems.

If you haven't yet, consider getting B in to a medical professional who can help determine if one of these things is what is contributing to B's poor behavior. I know for me, when I'm not medicated, one of my biggest problems is an inability to budget appropriately and I would often be borrowing from Peter to pay Paul because shopping was my form of self-medication. When I was younger, it was also lots and lots of booze, which doesn't help the spending problem either.

I hope things start to ease up for you and I'm sorry if I'm preaching to the choir. If this is something you'd like to discuss through e-mail, I can be reached at my profile addy.

I do think that B would be willing to be evaluated at this point. We have good insurance. (bless you Obamacare for keeping him on my policy till 26) He is disgusted with himself and his lack of achievement. He drinks and smokes. I know he is chemically odd in that caffeine calms him and sedatives excite him. He makes his money by taking friends on line tests for them because math and science are easy for him, and cards of course because he can count cards. Even he knows these aren't permanent career choices.

But oh my, finding a competent professional is a daunting task too!

caffeine calms him

That was one of the symptoms that they said held confirm my ADHD diagnosis. The drugs help, but I'm still struggling for ways to structure my life.

This [link] has some helpful articles.

My post got eaten, but Sail said a lot of what I wrote.

My folks were responsible and great, but I was an irresponsible jackhole from 17-23 because I knew they would bail me out. I cried, swore it would never happen again, and the kick in the ass came when my folks (a) kicked me out in college (I did go to college for intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivations,though (b) refused to pay anything but medical expenses and (c) let me spend a night in jail.

Forgive me if I overstep my bounds, but I would in NO WAY give that money to him, or any money; I would pay it to the creditor. I wouldn't give him cash -- groceries, metro cards (with the caveat that if he lost them,shank's mare works just fine). And that the money is a LOAN; if he has no job to pay for it, then he needs to work around the home, in the office or as a volunteer at a homeless shelter or some such.

I don't know if his partying is a substance abuse problem, but I would offer to subsidize in or out patient therapy. If you have money to buy beer/pot/X/?, you can save for rent.

One of the best, albeit painful, lessons I learned was along those lines: my parents LOVED me, but at that time, they didn't LIKE or RESPECT me or my choices.

I, too, was a brilliant teen. I had social inclusion issues. I was a genius and felt the world and my parents owed me...something.

It doesn't. And I feel for you and Brandon, and just to let you know, from about age 28 to now, I THANK my folks every birthday and Xmas for kicking me out, for not subsidizing my fuck-ups, and for telling me I had more in myself than to be a spoiled GimmeGirl.

Much love....

I sympathize, Laura. Jake is still in the same place, and we're both convinced it's partly ADHD. Like you said, though, finding a competent professional, and getting Jake to go, and take medication (rather than selling it), is very daunting.

I appreciate the help and insight so much. Grocery store cards buy beer, gas station cards can buy cigarettes, although I think he may have stopped smoking from my sniff tests. So I have taken to giving him actual food from time to time. He is very thin.

I think he will agree to see a doctor because he has really bad insomnia too. He is visibly upset with himself for his screw ups, or is playing me by claiming so. He works for me, when he shows up, so I am his only means of support. I am so disgusted with him losing the bus cards and license I just paid for.

DH suggested enrolling him full time in school, in a dorm, somewhere else in the state. I really think he will find the wrong crowd there in a hurry and don't really think it would work.

Ginger - thank you for that link to Additude. Looks really interesting.

DH suggested enrolling him full time in school, in a dorm, somewhere else in the state. I really think he will find the wrong crowd there in a hurry and don't really think it would work.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but one thing that actually kept me from self-destructing was the military. It imposed an external form of discipline that I didn't have for myself. Most of my problems didn't become more noticeable until I was out in the civilian world. I'm not advocating convincing him to enlist, but school may provide the regimentation he needs. But I think it would have to be the right school; possibly a very small, private college where his behavior would be under more scrutiny than a large public school. Dunno, just thinking out loud at this point.

possibly a very small, private college where his behavior would be under more scrutiny than a large public school

That sounds like a good idea. In a really big university, he could get lost really easily.

My dad and my brother have been talking to Jake about the Navy, and he's thinking about it. I sort of can't imagine him getting through boot camp, but if he does, it could be a really good choice for him.