Nora! Awesome news. I'm very excited and pleased for you.

Still have no interest in a corset although I do enjoy seeing them on other people.

Surgical ~ma for Daniel's mom and Cash's nephew.

Continued health~ma for the Buffisistas fighting various bugs and germs.

And now I moan about mememe although I feel the guilt since other people have worse trauma in life. And yet I was crying all night and up at 4:30 this morning with the hopelessness that comes with parenting an incompetent adult. I am at a total loss as to the right thing to do.

Short version is that last November my son decided to move out and room with the same guy that he roomed with before. The last time cost me a bunch of cash and brokenheartedness as it fell apart. The roomie left because of the disgusting party environment, lack of rent payment, etc. Why he decided to take B in again as a housemate in a new place is a mystery, but no doubt he regrets the decision. So 3 months later B owes over a grand to roomie and is going to be kicked out. He hasn't been able to pay because he has barely been working due to oversleeping, transportation issues, whatever.

The last couple weeks I made a concentrated effort to get him on a better track in life. He has yet to make it to work on time. I registered him in local college since he hasn't managed to do it himself. I haul his ass to school to take placement tests, and guess what, he has no driver license because he has lost it, again. So I haul him to DMV and he needs birth certificate, proof of address, SSN, etc due to FL new law so I gather all that crap and give to him, and the money for license and testing of course.

His car is dead so I give him a couple long ext cords to run from his house to charger. I buy him bus passes for 2 counties because he lives in one and works in another. (of course I told him initially moving so far away was stupid) It costs him about $20 a day to drive to work, but it takes several hours via bus, so lose-lose options.

So last night he asks if I can advance him his tax refund of $500 so he can give it to roomy then he has to pay $250 a week until he catches up. After talking to DH this seemed a better plan than having him move home and disrupt my peace and harmony on the home front. So that was decided.

Then, he tells me he has lost both bus passes, his license, and his bank card on the bus ride home. Because he constantly dumps all the stuff out of his pockets because he wears his shorts down below his butt. He will be 21 this Saturday.

I just sobbed last night in disappointment. How did 2 such capable and independent parents create this incompetent human? I don't know what to do. If I had given him the $500 yesterday that would have been lost too. He is just completely irresponsible. His life is partying and playing video games. He talks a good game. His placement tests were astounding because he is brilliant, but just incompetent.

Sorry for the painful brain dump. There is no solution. I just don't have anyone else to spill it to. Thank heavens I have DH, although he has no solutions, at least he sobs with me. Alas, he also blames himself and I am past that. I refuse at this point to take responsibility for a 21 yo's screw ups. And yet, having him live in a park isn't a good option either.

Sorry, I should bind my typing fingers.

Oh Laura. It really sucks that he seems so determined to go back down this path.

Sorry, I should bind my typing fingers.

You absolutely should not. {{{Laura}}} I'm so sorry. I hope something clicks for him and soon.

{{Laura}} I am so sorry that B continues to cause you so much mental anguish. I'm curious, though, and if this is too nosy you can tell me to piss off. Has B ever been tested for ADHD or being bipolar (a lot of the symptoms overlap and can be comorbid in bipolar disorder)? I am bipolar and know (and have in my family) people with both, so I have seen many of the same problems/issues in great detail. In many cases, the pot smoking/drinking, etc. is a form of self-medication, which just exacerbates the problems.

If you haven't yet, consider getting B in to a medical professional who can help determine if one of these things is what is contributing to B's poor behavior. I know for me, when I'm not medicated, one of my biggest problems is an inability to budget appropriately and I would often be borrowing from Peter to pay Paul because shopping was my form of self-medication. When I was younger, it was also lots and lots of booze, which doesn't help the spending problem either.

I hope things start to ease up for you and I'm sorry if I'm preaching to the choir. If this is something you'd like to discuss through e-mail, I can be reached at my profile addy.

I do think that B would be willing to be evaluated at this point. We have good insurance. (bless you Obamacare for keeping him on my policy till 26) He is disgusted with himself and his lack of achievement. He drinks and smokes. I know he is chemically odd in that caffeine calms him and sedatives excite him. He makes his money by taking friends on line tests for them because math and science are easy for him, and cards of course because he can count cards. Even he knows these aren't permanent career choices.

But oh my, finding a competent professional is a daunting task too!

caffeine calms him

That was one of the symptoms that they said held confirm my ADHD diagnosis. The drugs help, but I'm still struggling for ways to structure my life.

This [link] has some helpful articles.

My post got eaten, but Sail said a lot of what I wrote.

My folks were responsible and great, but I was an irresponsible jackhole from 17-23 because I knew they would bail me out. I cried, swore it would never happen again, and the kick in the ass came when my folks (a) kicked me out in college (I did go to college for intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivations,though (b) refused to pay anything but medical expenses and (c) let me spend a night in jail.

Forgive me if I overstep my bounds, but I would in NO WAY give that money to him, or any money; I would pay it to the creditor. I wouldn't give him cash -- groceries, metro cards (with the caveat that if he lost them,shank's mare works just fine). And that the money is a LOAN; if he has no job to pay for it, then he needs to work around the home, in the office or as a volunteer at a homeless shelter or some such.

I don't know if his partying is a substance abuse problem, but I would offer to subsidize in or out patient therapy. If you have money to buy beer/pot/X/?, you can save for rent.

One of the best, albeit painful, lessons I learned was along those lines: my parents LOVED me, but at that time, they didn't LIKE or RESPECT me or my choices.

I, too, was a brilliant teen. I had social inclusion issues. I was a genius and felt the world and my parents owed me...something.

It doesn't. And I feel for you and Brandon, and just to let you know, from about age 28 to now, I THANK my folks every birthday and Xmas for kicking me out, for not subsidizing my fuck-ups, and for telling me I had more in myself than to be a spoiled GimmeGirl.

Much love....

I sympathize, Laura. Jake is still in the same place, and we're both convinced it's partly ADHD. Like you said, though, finding a competent professional, and getting Jake to go, and take medication (rather than selling it), is very daunting.

I appreciate the help and insight so much. Grocery store cards buy beer, gas station cards can buy cigarettes, although I think he may have stopped smoking from my sniff tests. So I have taken to giving him actual food from time to time. He is very thin.

I think he will agree to see a doctor because he has really bad insomnia too. He is visibly upset with himself for his screw ups, or is playing me by claiming so. He works for me, when he shows up, so I am his only means of support. I am so disgusted with him losing the bus cards and license I just paid for.

DH suggested enrolling him full time in school, in a dorm, somewhere else in the state. I really think he will find the wrong crowd there in a hurry and don't really think it would work.

Ginger - thank you for that link to Additude. Looks really interesting.