And I so desperately hope that it doesn't change what you all think of me. I know I can be petty, but you are important to me and it matters how you perceive me. That group of people is a lot smaller than it used to be.

Maria, you are not feeling or thinking anything unnatural or wrong. There is no judgment against you for feeling what you feel.

And I so desperately hope that it doesn't change what you all think of me.

I think you are human and wonderful. You had a difficult relationship and instead of getting a chance to deal with it and find resolution, your husband died. That's brutal. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be anything you need, honestly. I think you are wonderful.

And I so desperately hope that it doesn't change what you all think of me.

That you're a woman who's dealing with one of the hardest things there is and you're confused and in a lot of pain and doing the best she can?

Nope, no change.

I'm glad you can share the darkest parts here. And I hope that part eases.

Yes, what Cass said.

I think you are human and wonderful. You had a difficult relationship and instead of getting a chance to deal with it and find resolution, your husband died. That's brutal. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be anything you need, honestly. I think you are wonderful.

nods fiercely

Again, what Cass said. (Cass has custody of our brain tonight, which is good, because I sure as hell wasn't using it.)

Maria, my darling, you are a good person who has been through some horrible things. You are not only allowed to be petty, bitter, and vent about things, but you're absolutely entitled to.

(Cass has custody of our brain tonight, which is good, because I sure as hell wasn't using it.)

I put it in a Manhattan. Oh and there's a leftover maraschino cherry on the counter that needs to be dealt with. I put it there so I could tie the stem without eating the cherry part.

And I so desperately hope that it doesn't change what you all think of me. I know I can be petty, but you are important to me and it matters how you perceive me. That group of people is a lot smaller than it used to be.

Well, *I* think this Katie character is a complete raging over-stating, attention-hogging, beeee-YOTCH. Anyone who might think poorly of you will DEFINITELY think poorly of me and forget all about your polite, reasonable, objection to her.

Seriously. Katie? Bitch. Not in the good clean Spike way either. Anyone who has a problem with that can take it up with me.

Honored to be trusted with your darkest thoughts, Maria. Really, we all have them, and it's humbling that we're trusted enough for you to do that.

Change how we feel about you? Not at all, it just reaffirms your humanity, and ours, because again, we all have those thoughts, and it's crucial to let them out somewhere. Here is good.

Hi, all.

First, let me say I have been out of spoons.

I have 1 spoon today, and it is a teeny horn caviar spoon. I will get back to interacting and commiserating with all my beloved Buffistas soon who are going through wretched times, but I am using my one small spoon to write this today.

Tomorrow, I hope will be more spoony, and I can be less selfish.

I hereby apologize for not responding to any emails since 2012. I caught a bad cold, had to cancel my NYE party; the bad cold segued into the death flu for 3 weeks. I missed the Tamiflu window and had to suffer through with OTC's, thought I would have to go to the hospital for dehydration when I was able to stop booting(DH was a saint,and mopped up several "not able to make it to toilet/trash can mishaps.

I had this flu for 4 weeks, including a stint where I ALSO had pinkeye in BOTH eyes at once, and had a bad reaction to the sulfa eye drops. And also had a serious sinus infection at week 2 1/2. Yes, I had ALL THE ILLNESSES, but on the 2nd doc visit, we managed get anti-bios for thesinisinfection from Hades and to nip bronchitis in the bud, and I was able to avoid a hospital stay.

This was on top of a major months-longsdepresso ep before the death ick started, and of course, this exacerbated the depresso symptoms, as I wasn't able really keep neither AD's, HRT's, or anti-anxiety meds in ma belly long enough for them to be of use.

I WILL be getting a flu shot next year. Please, if you haven't gotten one, please seriously think about it.

I am still very weak (albeit still mentally very slow on the uptake), but finally am trying to get up and slowly take back the reins of normal life.

I was not grey; I had complete radio silence to everyone: you all, FB, and friends, clients and family via phone,eail and text because of physical and mental factors (for 4-5 days, I could barely see.)

I will be going through my 4 weeks of email today. I don't know if I will answering emails today, but I will get to them tomorrow at least.

I apologize for any incommunicado-ness. I haven't been so sick in years, and just couldn't do ANYTHING. Even writing this has taken about a half-hour.

I plan to take gentle baby steps this week and weekend, and try to get back into my work next week. If I go too fast, I know I will relapse; I haven't been out of the house except for 2 dr. visits since 1/28, and one grocery run I made yesterday, which exhausted me.

Don't, PLEASE, ignore this season's flu and illnesses, even if you have no mental illnesses may exacerbate your recovery process. It's no laughing matter.

Thank you for listening, thank you for your support, and thank you for your forbearance in letting me be me-me-me in this post. I will return to my less selfish participation in support of my also-hurting (in a variety of ways) Buffistas as soon as my spoon supply regenerates.

I love you all, and you are in my thoughts, even if I cannot commiserate via word-pixels quite yet.

All my best to you all.

Maria, what they all said! There is nothing you are feeling that is unnatural or inappropriate. Allow yourself the emotional space to feel whatever you feel.

{{Strix}} You are the most articulate out of spoons person evah! I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. Sending love and strength and absolute permission to be as me-me-me as you need. From a distance, because I want nothing to do with your germiness up close and personal. We'll take a rain check on the cuddles, k?