My therapist says that we are attracted to people who see us the way we see ourselves. I think that is the same as what Burrell is saying.

I feel like I might be about to go way over the TMI edge here and feel free to skip this if its not helpful, but it finally dawned on me, on a really deep level, that I have a fairly strong desire to be self destructive. Like nothing makes me feel as good as to squash and stomp myself down into as small a space as possible. I could go on about how/why but its not that original or interesting. The point is, I've come to really understand that I will never find someone who loves me and respects me if I don't do that first.

I hope that doesn't come across as arrogant, telling others their problem is within themselves, but meara's and burrell's posts resonated with me so strongly I had to share my thoughts on the subject.

Eta: her other statement to me is that this only happens with attraction. So, your friends may all love you and see your awesomeness, but you still may not be attracted to partners who do. Anyway, I, also, think meara is super cool.

Ahhh, meara, it's so hard. And harder when your dating pool is inherently smaller. You are lovable, and I hope you find someone awesome who recognizes that and snaps you right up.

sj, that is incredibly, bizarrely shitty. I'm sorry that your family doesn't treat you anywhere near as well as you deserve.

Weather radio woke me at 6:14 with a tornado watch. I've walked the dog, checked the radar three times, talked to boss and coworker (canceled work), and eaten a cookie. I think I'm going back to bed until the storm hits.

Also, what Stephanie and Burrell said. There's a line from the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower that has stuck with me (haven't seen the movie): We accept the love we think we deserve.

And {{{Stephanie}}}, if you want it. I think you're amazing and gorgeous.

Thank you, smonster. I wish I could just make myself not care.

In little things make me very happy news this morning, I am having my morning cuppa with milk this morning, after a week of the evil antibiotic which could not be taken with milk.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

This has certainly been my personal experience.

Sometimes that has been a reflection of very good things about me and, at other times, quite the opposite.

I'm occasionally staggered by how good people can be to me, when I don't feel like I deserve it.

Right now, however, I'm at a total loss to understand why things are so sucky.

My headspace is really, really bad.

I've gotten recommendations for legal people to talk too, none of which has worked out. I feel fragile and alone (though I know I am not) and pretty victimized by 'the system', whatever that might be.

I strive to know why things happen and can often give comfort to others on that front, but right now, I am awash in WTF.

How could one false positive result, out of so many samples I could not even begin to count, have caused this awful thing to happen to me? How could my asking, over and over, if there was ANY chance it was a false positive go completely ignored? How could scientific reason desert me so?

Seriously.

I'd give just about anything to understand...and to know that I have not been harmed, in the long term, by the hysterical mistakes of supposed professionals.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm hanging out over the edge and no one that I have spoken to so far...not even my closest advocate...has been able to comfort me.

to know that I have not been harmed, in the long term, by the hysterical mistakes of supposed professionals.

Though I'm not a doctor, I think that, in the long term, you will not have been harmed physically by this. You were otherwise healthy before this, and the human body is very resilient and capable of healing from a great deal of injury.

I don't know if that's comforting at all, but I believe it really strongly.

I don't know if that's comforting at all, but I believe it really strongly.

That actually really does help, Steph. You know drugs. Knowing that you feel strongly helps me to feel better than I did.

I'm just so beaten up that any little bit of support is huge right now.

Thank you.

Bonny, I'm not sure what exactly the story is, but it sounds like they thought you had a blood infection, and gave you lots of antibiotics. And seriously, it's unfortunate if it was a false positive, and awful that you reacted badly to them, but likely you will heal fine. If they had NOT given you treatment, and you actually had septicemia, you could have died. Or at the very least, sued their asses when you finally got well. So they kinda have to treat you, if they think you are sick, y'know?

Apparently when I had blood poisoning I was dancing on a thinner line than I thought. My blood pressure was making the docs very antsy, and they were on a watch to see if my body would finally kick over and all the drugs they had me on would then drive my pressure down too far.

It's too bad they didn't double check that sample, but doctors do sometimes get a little panicky.

Doctors are in serious cover their asses mode these days.

I ignored the prescribed brain MRI for my son when he had an unexplained pain in his jaw. I took him to an ENT because I thought it might be an ear infection, and when they ruled that out they prescribed the MRI. Also high on my list was just a pinched nerve because he plays a lot of sports and is fragile. I opted to wait a couple days and see if it resolved, which it did. I felt that twinge of 'horrible mother' syndrome for not having the big test, but went with instinct. A few days later we got a certified letter from the doctors office advising us that they were not responsible if something horrible happened because they ordered the test and I ignored them.

Bonny, I am so sorry that you have this stress to distract from focusing on healing and recovery.

edit to fix stupid grammar