My landlords seem to have finally realized that I'm vegan. The past two years, they've given me a big box of School of Agriculture cheese and sausages as a holiday gift. This year, it's a potted African violet.

I thought you'd like an update. I haven't been giving a blow-by-blow account, because it's mostly depressing and boring.

The good news: As of my last blood test, my blood work is normal. I can haz red blood cells. Also, my tumor markers have dropped to normal.

The bad news: I spent the last month or so in side-effect hell, as the chemo did a number on my feet. You know your life is going in the wrong direction when you find yourself googling “Xeloda toenails oozing bleeding.” I felt like a failed fire walker. My feet are already much better.

The mixed feelings: Because of the side effects and the generally good results, the oncologist took me off the Xeloda and put me on tamoxifen, which I took for several years after my first diagnosis. I didn’t have too much trouble with before, and I didn’t have disease progression while I was on it. From my current perspective, hot flashes and insomnia seem positively benign side effects. The problem is that whatever decision I make about treatment, I feel like I should have done something different. I told the oncologist that I would choose any level of discomfort if it meant not dying. Also, it’s hard to celebrate milestones, because the odds are so high that disease will progress.

Annoyances: I’m currently on Wellbutrin, and several recent studies indicate that Wellbutrin, as well as some other anti-depressants and *sob* diphenhydramine, reduce the effectiveness of tamoxifen. This means I’ll be a depressed sneezing cancer patient.

Ginger, I'm just glad you are not a candidate for the study I'm working on right now....it looks promising but requires having brain mets. Eek! Sorry the drugs are doing evil in addition to good, though.

They specifically scanned my brain, so fortunately I'm not a candidate. Let me know if they start something for bone mets.

I'm sorry it's so hard, Ginger, but I'm so happy to hear your markers are down to normal. Can they switch your AD to one that doesn't interact with tamoxifen?

Can they switch your AD to one that doesn't interact with tamoxifen?

I've left a message with my counselor about it. I'm not sure there are chemicals capable of dealing with my current mental state.

The problem is that whatever decision I make about treatment, I feel like I should have done something different.

I think that is really human. We are put in impossible situations and however we react, we wonder if we should have done something different.

I am really glad there is good too.

*sob* diphenhydramine, reduce the effectiveness

That's just cruel.

I hope the counselor has something. Virtual hugs seems like not enough.

I really am glad to hear the update, Ginger. I think of you often.