I stopped being able to see a future after Melisa died. I keep on having one, but it's not like I plan it, it just happens.

There's no actual obligation to mourn. It is generally frowned upon to dance down the street singing "Ding, dong, the witch is dead."

One of my favorite songs is the awful eulogy from The Phantom of the Paradise.

Maria, you know, if you ever need to run away for a while, I've got a spare bedroom you're welcome to.

Oh Maria, I wish I could be there to offer you physical support and distraction as needed, instead of "just" being a digital presence.

Oh, Maria. That's the kind of cruel, spiteful awful that would get thrown out of a story or screenplay for being too over-the-top.

Jesus wept. Really -- out of all the shitty, petty, nasty things we humans do that make Him weep (and punch holes in walls and knock over tables and however else He vents to blow off steam and get Himself to back off from just pitching us all into the nearest black hole), trying to decrease one's own pain and grief by deliberately increasing someone else's has got to be up near the top.

So many hugs, and virtual drinks, and fists of rage against those who wound you, and worlds of support for any choice you make that gives you the time and space and emotional refuge to heal.

I love you all. Trying really hard not to cry at my desk.

I know I said very nasty things to him and I didn't fight fair--I can be very mean and cruel when I feel I'm cornered--but why on earth did I marry him if I didn't love him? It surely wasn't for what he could buy me or all of the money in the bank.

I know I have places to run to, and I'm grateful for each and every home that has been or will be opened to me.

Tons of hugs to my Bitches!!!

Maria, I hope this doesn't sound flippant. And coming from the perpetually single guy, who am I to give advice? But here it goes.

The common vows at weddings are "till death do us part". If your former in-laws think otherwise of you for moving on with your life, and pardon my French here, FUCK THEM. No seriously. What happened was tragic. But I would hope the love your husband had for you would say "go on living after me", and part of living is moving on. If they are that mean, and petty, and stupid, well, then, be done with them, and don't think twice about it.

As for Christmas gifts. Don't buy any. This is the perfect time to start new traditions. Send a note to all those you feel compelled to buy gifts for and say, "following in the tradition of the Drummer Boy, I have made a donation to Tipatina's in New Orleans, to help spread the joy of music". Or "With all the hardships in the world, I thought it best, to celebrate the birth of our saviour, by donating to Heifer International, so that some families in devoloping countries can have means to feed their children." Sure, there will be some that will look askew at you. Some will say you are cheap and petty. And ya know what, who cares. Do what is in your heart. If your heart doesn't have shopping for trinkets for family members, then don't do it. Find charaties that you like, and donate the money there. Give to the Sandy Relief fund, so that those Americans impacted with the disaster may have Christamas.

OK, I could ramble on with tons of options, but I think you get the point. As you well know, life is too damn short. Don't do things you don't want to do. Fate has given you a big "reset" button. The way fate did it, sucks. But, the button has been pushed. Now, it's time for you to trigger all the extra relays in the machine of your life.

You did love him, and you also did have a genuinely hard time making a life together work. That's a seriously fucking hard contradiction to try to balance out even without a death interrupting the process, and it's no wonder you're all torn up trying to deal with that unfinished business on top of all the other stuff that loss landed on you.

All I can do is throw my offer on the pile -- wine and unlimited venting space any time you happen to be down my way. And a an ear on the internet all the rest of the times.

Maria, I'm so sorry you are former in laws are acting like that, there's no excuse, not even grief, to be that horrible to a person.

It's perfectly reasonable mot wanting to participate or deal with holidays and special occasions after someone died. When my cousin, S, died my aunt didn't do christmas, or thanksgiving, and found a way to be out of town on his birthday and Mother's Day. (we're a small family over all so the situation is different). I just think it's normal not to deal with that.

I more than occasionally have fantasies of a dozen of us showing up at Maria's out-laws and politely taking back the puppy.

Sadly, I'm much happier having cut off all contact with his parents. I wish things could have been different, but no one tells me I have no prerogative as his wife because his mother has it all. I don't care how screwed up our relationship was, if he was unhappy, he could have left at any time. He didn't so he doesn't get off scot-free.

Sometimes, when I'm being more cynical than usual, I wonder if I wasn't more in love with the idea of being in love than I was with the individual.