I took my codeine for the night, and now I'm settling in on the couch with a blanket and a DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean. I feel like a sick ten-year-old.

Love that picture!

Hil, did you hear back from your doctor?

Okay, time to admit something "out loud." I'm depressed again. I do still feel vaguely nauseated, but I never threw up today. What I also feel is... not much else. Flat and numb. I think part of it is SAD, but I think the whole thing with StW is really weighing on me. I hate not knowing, I hate this limbo, I hate feeling like I'm not a priority for him. He went out last weekend and didn't call me. He's on vacation next week and is leaving town for some of it. If he doesn't make time to see me, well, I think it's time for a talk.

I've been as supportive and non-needy as I can possibly be, but I think I'm running out of anything to give. Don't feel like I'm getting much of anything. It's been four months since our first date, and I feel less connected to him now than ever.

Sorry, I feel like I've just been dumping and dumping, but I need to get this out. I think I'm going back to bed soon. I did eat dinner, and I did a whole bunch of dishes, so I haven't been totally unproductive. I slept most of the day, though.

I really don't want to feel this way. I hate it. I felt like this for this for so long, and I really don't want to have to go through it again.

Hil, did you hear back from your doctor?

Not yet. But I was only able to send him a message at about 5:30 tonight, so I probably won't hear back until tomorrow.

{{{smonster}}}

{{{Hil}}} Feel better.

{{{smonster}}} You haven't been dumping. Seasonal depression sucks and it only gets worse when you aren't feeling well on top of it. I hope things begin to look up soon.

I've been as supportive and non-needy as I can possibly be, but I think I'm running out of anything to give. Don't feel like I'm getting much of anything. It's been four months since our first date, and I feel less connected to him now than ever.

Ugh, I'm sorry, smonster. It does sound like you need to make some tough decisions soon. Which sucks.

Oh smonster, I'm so sorry, about all of it. But yeah, I would say, if the relationship is no longer giving you what you need, it's time to be honest with him about that. I won't lie, I hope he takes it as a wake-up call and decides to be a better boyfriend, but I don't know how likely that is, just based on what you've told us about him and his hesitations (not to mention his major time commitments). But I'm hoping for a good outcome.

Have you found a therapist in NOLA?

{{smonster}} I'm sorry you're not getting much from StW, and the SAD and not feeling well on top of everything.

I was a big girl and walked to the local dollar general with Aidan and Kara this afternoon to pick up generic play dough type stuff so Kara could make an extra credit habitat for science. Of course, she has a high B in science. It's social studies and math she's got D's in--she doesn't like them. Still, willing to do extra credit, yay! I am exhausted, but it was worth it. She made a raccoon with a six pack ring thingy around its neck sitting by a polluted stream with dead fish on the banks, accompanied by a fallen birds' nest (with dead parent bird and smushed eggs) and a black squirrel with its head stuck in a can. She was loving all the destruction (man's abuse of animal habitats is the theme, if that wasn't obvious). Aidan is jealous of her habitat making skills.

On the way to the store, Aidan ran away from me, very far, actually, but I was able to get some random teenagers to chase him down and bring him back. They were very nice. I told him he scared me, and he apologized nicely and held my hand all the way to the store.

smonster, I hope you find some joy tomorrow, and more the tomorrow after that.

If the flylady website is rearranged, I might try it again. I got pissed off at putting on my shoes (so childish!) when I looked at it before. I don't wear shoes. Like ever. My feet can't breathe in shoes. Still, childish. I count dressed as having both a shirt and pants on.

love you guys

That sounds more like an uninhabitat.

smonster, sorry things are so tough.

I got pissed off at putting on my shoes (so childish!)

She still insists on that, but I am very good at ignoring what isn't useful for me. (And some stuff that IS, unfortunately.)