Shir, that's so hard. I'm sorry for your loss.

Yay, Strix party with added smonster!

ION, I'm wondering something. When you call someone out on their behavior as being inappropriate, and they apologize, what's the best response to the apology? Is "Apology accepted" okay (assuming, of course, that you *do* accept their apology), or even the awkward, stilted "I accept your apology"?

Because my instinct is to reply with "That's okay," when I *don't* mean that the behavior is okay at all! But I feel like I need to smooth things over (hello, socialization as a woman).

The basic scenario was this: Tim's best friend is gropey and ignores boundaries (with the added context that, within the kink scene, people can be VERY touchy-feely, although there is STILL a "rule" of "ask before you touch").

One night at a crowded party (so I was tweaky from the moment we walked in, because too many people in a too-small space will turn my anxiety up to 11 right away), he came over to greet us, and hugged me -- but I still had my coat on, but unbuttoned, so he slid his hands inside my coat and around to my ass. I dropped my arms and stepped back immediately. (Because it was so fucking crowded, I stepped into someone behind me, and there was chaos and I apologized for stepping into them, and in the mayhem, Tim's best friend moved away.)

At a later date, when it was just the 3 of us (maybe at our house, I don't remember), he said, "Are you uncomfortable with hugging? Because you didn't seem to like me hugging you at rope group."

And I said, "Well, I'm not crazy about hugging, but I was really uncomfortable by you reaching inside my coat and groping me. Most people would hug outside a coat, and I don't have a gropey relationship with anyone but Tim. You may have noticed that *I* don't grope *you,* for instance."

And he said, "Well, I'm sorry I crossed that line with you, and I'm glad I know it now."

I took it as a genuine apology (and he hasn't gotten gropey with me since then), but all I could come up with as a response was "I accept your apology." Which feels stilted and silly. But saying "That's okay" is not right, because it wasn't okay.

Is there some other alternative to "Apology accepted" that is less stilted but still doesn't imply that the behavior was okay?

(And, I KNOW. It should be basic knowledge that you DON'T hug someone by putting your hands into their open coat, much less grab their ass. He deliberately pushes boundaries like that, and it pisses me off. Tim and I have had the conversation several times of "What the FUCK is wrong with [Friend] that he thinks that's okay?!?" I would like Tim to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him about being Gropey McGroperson, but Tim is so damn non-confrontational that it's not going to happen. And for right now, *I* am not willing to have that conversation with him.)

Steph, I would say, "Thanks for understanding."

"Okay, then" could also work. Basically content-free, but fills the space of a response.

Steph, I'd think, "Thank you for understanding," or "I appreciate your apology" would be quite a bit warmer and less stilted, while not implying the unwelcome attention was okay.

Steph, I'd think, "Thank you for understanding," or "I appreciate your apology" would be quite a bit warmer and less stilted, while not implying the unwelcome attention was okay.

I agree with this. I learned to say, "I appreciate your apology" with the former upstairs neighbors because I felt that my usual "That's ok" let them off the hook for their bad behavior.

Maybe, "Thanks, I appreciate that." (If that's true.) But I think "Apology accepted," is perfectly cromulent, really. The first conveys more "bygones," maybe, so it depends on the situation. In the case you describe, I think I'd have gone with "Apology accepted."

Steph, I'd think, "Thank you for understanding," or "I appreciate your apology" would be quite a bit warmer and less stilted, while not implying the unwelcome attention was okay.

I agree with this. I learned to say, "I appreciate your apology" with the former upstairs neighbors because I felt that my usual "That's ok" let them off the hook for their bad behavior.

Seriously, these didn't even occur to me, especially "I appreciate your apology." I am so awkward sometimes!

These are good, you guys. Thanks!

I like Bev's responses, especially "I appreciate your apology." It acknowledges that something happened that warranted an apology, but the appreciation conveys a sort of "that's okay" that doesn't come across as letting it slide.

If he apologized, meant it (which it seems to have adjusted his behavior so probably he did) and you just want acknowledge it, there is nothing wrong with, "thank you."

CASS! Dammit, the vampire outbreak was supposed to happen when we were both there.

In retrospect, we should have had a plan.

Yeah, I tend to go with, "Thank you," myself.