I hope Switch comes home soon.

So I'm not doing great. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and I'm feeling depressed. Yesterday when I took Dean to the vet in the morning I had a mini anxiety attack and the anxiety attack passed pretty much during the day but it left me feeling tired and out of sorts.

Today I was depressed, it was hard to concentrate and I was anxious at this job. I think taking this particular temp job was a mistake, but I can't get out of it now, however it does end on October 5.

I'm going to start calling my shrink's office every day to see if he has a cancellation. In the meantime I'm doing what I can to try and take care of myself the best I can.

When I got home today I ran over to the yarn shop to get help in my knitting. I came home and emotionally I sank like a stone and I felt so tired. I laid down and rested and then got up and walked to the library and bought some books (a whole bag for $3!) at the library sale and came home. I also admitted I've misplaced a book and the librarian who was super, super nice, renewed it even though this is like my 4th renewal. That made me feel better.

I hate feeling like this.

askye, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You seem to be very self-aware of it, which is good. Is there something about the job that is making you anxious? I don't remember any details.

Switch! Getcher furry ass home, now!!

I'm working at the College of Medicine's neurology dept as the "interim" assistant in the office with the doctor who was the chair of the dept and the doctor who is the interim co chair of the dept. I'm covering for maternity leave. The big responsibility is handling the schedules, which is a little stressful, but I'm just handling meetings and stuff like that not dealing with patient scheduling. But I also have to take minutes at the faculty meeting 2x a month, first time it was easy b/c the head of the College of Medicine spoke, last time it was harder because I was having trouble following the topics and all the cross talk (I'd never taken minutes at a previous job).

I'm also in charge of making sure everyone knows about the Grand Rounds and taking attendance (I barely know what the faculty looks like, have no idea about the residents - although I am going to ask for a photo cheat sheet), follow up with several people to get their information for Sept Grand Rounds so I can 1) complete the info so everyone can get credit and 2) print the schedule.

Also there's a big lectureship going on and I need to get 2 pieces of info for that and I haven't heard from the doctor and I'm not sure how hard I need to push her.

The person I'm covering for left me with some good instructions -which I accidentally filed behind something and lost until today. And I found several things she'd had written on there that hadn't gotten done.

There are long periods of boredom where there is not much to do.

I think if I was feeling better I wouldn't feel so anxious and stressed out. Everyone is really nice and helpful but I just worried I'm not doing well,e even though I've gotten feedback that I am doing well.

Plus my first reaction was to decline when I was given the offer of the assignment but I felt like I couldn't turn down about 2 months of work and good pay.

Then there's other stuff going on that's building.

And on top if I'm really aware of how it's getting dark earlier and earlier and even though it's August I'm worried about it.

Can't you record the meetings and then transcribe?

edit: And take notes on the gist of things, esp. when it's confusing?

That's not how they do it. Although I typed up the minutes the best I could and sent them off to the guy who kind of manages things and who was at the meeting and he filled in some gaps. So I have coverage and they aren't expecting perfection.

The first meeting, because it was more about busines -y stuff and there wasn't a lot of cross talk I was able to transcribe almost the whole thing.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who thinks I'm not doing a good enough job.

Sorry to hear it's been so rough, askye. Please don't be hard on yourself.

It's really hard for her to give up wanting to fix it, or at least to know WHY.

I get that, and I get it even more now that I'm a mom.

Like, if they were really dressing her gender neutral, wouldn't she wear skirts sometimes?

On the gender dress, I get wanting to reject the over-the-top frills of some of the girly kids clothes out there, but that aside, dresses and skirts can be just as functional and comfortable as the overtly boyish clothes. Then again, I let my boy wear skirts to preschool and never even thought it was worth blogging about, so I may be slightly outside the norm.

The person who I report to in my office is J, and the guy , D, who I sent the minutes to for editing is above her. After the faculty meeting last week he mentioned how well I'm picking things up and that he's really impressed.

That was the second time he'd given me a direct compliment about my work.

Also my contact at the temp agency emailed me to see how things were going after the first week and say she'd heard good thigns about me.

So a lot of this pressure is coming internally - but I'm insecure and anxious which makes me unsure about how well I'm doing and then I start to withdraw, etc.

Plus I'm just feeling depressed and I'm worried that I'm sliding into something serious.

Basically, like Will told me on Saturday - I over think things and over analyze stuff.

Plus I was doing so well this time last year, and now I'm not and I don't see a way to pull myself out of this hole and I'm worried about losing the ground I gained.

(I'm also seeing my new therapist on Tuesday and hopefully I like her, and I'm going to ask to see her once a week while all this is going on).

Like, if they were really dressing her gender neutral, wouldn't she wear skirts sometimes?

AH! I get what'cher saying! And she does, it just seems that the "boy" clothes are the ones I see more often.

I also want to say that I really hope that no one has taken offense to my blathering about this whole subject. I know gender issues are deep and multi-layered and I'm not trying to be all, "Girls are girls and boys are boys." I'm really not.

I was talking to Debet about this and it occurred to me that my surface-level reactions are based in my issues resulting from a) being called a pretty little boy until I was around 7 or so (mainly because of my clothes) and b) being called "sir" because of my short hair.

Issues are strange in the ways they manifest in your head on outside stuff, huh?

Askye - I'm sorry the depression and anxiousness are rearing their ugly heads.

Zen, I'm glad you had a good date. See, he was nervous, too!

askye, gah. Kick those brain weasels in the teeth. Could you set up a regular time to check in with someone about specific questions and get feedback? Would that be helpful, or would your inner 007 of sabotage plant little bombs under every thumbs up? (god, what is wrong with my brain? that makes the kind of sense that's not)

AH! I get what'cher saying! And she does, it just seems that the "boy" clothes are the ones I see more often.

Yes. That. Also, I got mistaken for a boy all of the time as a kid(short hair, endless pairs of hand-me-down brown cordoroys). I wonder if that's why my mom let me get my ears pierced at 5?

I remember Connie Neil saying that it sometimes it feels like the jaws of life are being taken to her hips. I've come up with an analogy for my own hip issues... you know when you go in for a handshake and you get your knuckles squeezed? And there's a whole range of possible sensations there, from vaguely uncomfortable to OW OW OW GRINDING? Yeah, that's my hip. Day to day is vaguely uncomfortable. Right now is OW OW OW GRINDING, which I suspect is part of why I can't find words.

I took a flexeril and wrote off most of what I needed to do tonight, though I've run out of time anyway. Off to roll around on the yoga mat and whimper.

I have a fairly new and random stabbing pain in my right hip. I'm sure it's connected to fucked-up muscles somewhere.