The person who I report to in my office is J, and the guy , D, who I sent the minutes to for editing is above her. After the faculty meeting last week he mentioned how well I'm picking things up and that he's really impressed.

That was the second time he'd given me a direct compliment about my work.

Also my contact at the temp agency emailed me to see how things were going after the first week and say she'd heard good thigns about me.

So a lot of this pressure is coming internally - but I'm insecure and anxious which makes me unsure about how well I'm doing and then I start to withdraw, etc.

Plus I'm just feeling depressed and I'm worried that I'm sliding into something serious.

Basically, like Will told me on Saturday - I over think things and over analyze stuff.

Plus I was doing so well this time last year, and now I'm not and I don't see a way to pull myself out of this hole and I'm worried about losing the ground I gained.

(I'm also seeing my new therapist on Tuesday and hopefully I like her, and I'm going to ask to see her once a week while all this is going on).

Like, if they were really dressing her gender neutral, wouldn't she wear skirts sometimes?

AH! I get what'cher saying! And she does, it just seems that the "boy" clothes are the ones I see more often.

I also want to say that I really hope that no one has taken offense to my blathering about this whole subject. I know gender issues are deep and multi-layered and I'm not trying to be all, "Girls are girls and boys are boys." I'm really not.

I was talking to Debet about this and it occurred to me that my surface-level reactions are based in my issues resulting from a) being called a pretty little boy until I was around 7 or so (mainly because of my clothes) and b) being called "sir" because of my short hair.

Issues are strange in the ways they manifest in your head on outside stuff, huh?

Askye - I'm sorry the depression and anxiousness are rearing their ugly heads.

Zen, I'm glad you had a good date. See, he was nervous, too!

askye, gah. Kick those brain weasels in the teeth. Could you set up a regular time to check in with someone about specific questions and get feedback? Would that be helpful, or would your inner 007 of sabotage plant little bombs under every thumbs up? (god, what is wrong with my brain? that makes the kind of sense that's not)

AH! I get what'cher saying! And she does, it just seems that the "boy" clothes are the ones I see more often.

Yes. That. Also, I got mistaken for a boy all of the time as a kid(short hair, endless pairs of hand-me-down brown cordoroys). I wonder if that's why my mom let me get my ears pierced at 5?

I remember Connie Neil saying that it sometimes it feels like the jaws of life are being taken to her hips. I've come up with an analogy for my own hip issues... you know when you go in for a handshake and you get your knuckles squeezed? And there's a whole range of possible sensations there, from vaguely uncomfortable to OW OW OW GRINDING? Yeah, that's my hip. Day to day is vaguely uncomfortable. Right now is OW OW OW GRINDING, which I suspect is part of why I can't find words.

I took a flexeril and wrote off most of what I needed to do tonight, though I've run out of time anyway. Off to roll around on the yoga mat and whimper.

I have a fairly new and random stabbing pain in my right hip. I'm sure it's connected to fucked-up muscles somewhere.

I was going to change my mattress because I was having hip pain in the mornings that was so bad I didn't want to move because I couldn't work out how moving wouldn't kill me.

And now I seem to be sleeping on my back...I don't know. I haven't done that since my appie when I was 16.

I was called Mr well into my mid 30s.

In pathetic news, last night I got back from vacation, an a couple of rum and cokes on the plane had taken the edge off a headache, but I figured I would take a flexeril and sleep well and not grind my teeth. Except I got the bottle out, brushed my teeth, took other pills...and then couldn't for the life of me remember if I'd already taken one. And since I didn't want to accidentally take 20mg, I reluctantly decided not to chance it. Sigh--the way I slept I'm pretty sure I didn't actually take any.

smonster - I'm going to make a list tomorrow of the things I have questions about/need some clarification.

I did email the person on maternity leave with some questions. Her maternity leave is going to be longer than she thought because the baby came late and she had a C section. So she gave me instructions and info thinking she was going to be back around September 24th.

Glad the baby giant kitty is home again! Good kitty, Switch! Good dogs, finding him!

{{{askye}}} I'm so sorry you're having a hard time of it. I hope you are able to get in to see your psychiatrist soon. I'm glad Switch is home safe, Aims.

TCG and I had a delicious Vietnamese dinner with Nicole and then frozen yogurt with Suzi and CJ. CJ is so grown up! Buffista kids grow up too quick.

sj, it was a pleasure spending time with you and getting to meet your honey. You two are adorable together.