Seriously, if I don't get out of this depression spiral by tomorrow, things are going to start getting bad.

Okay, let's go through it.

Work is under control. Yes it is. My manager is no more crazy passive-aggressive than normal, and I did something today that pleased her, so I've fed the beast for now. The workload is manageable as long as I stay on it, I just have to stay on it.

Bills are paid. I think. Lemme check... Yes. Okay. Mortgage and car not due until August, other bills on autopay, nothing is overlimit, money in the bank is sufficient as long as I don't go on an anxiety-fueled spending spree.

Personal relationships are good. Even spent some time with my niece last week.

House is no more untidy than normal, in fact it's a little better than normal, for the day-before-the-cleaners come. And I remembered to take the trash bin to the curb! Small victories.

Been eating Bad Food(tm) lately, which is probably contributing to my vague unsettled feeling that something is wrong. Can fix that by throwing out the starchy food and not buying more. Stick to the list.

Still mad at myself for things I still haven't done (gone back to the gym, finished painting the bathroom, cleaned my office, trimmed the cats' claws, etc ad nauseam) but those things could all be done in a couple days if I'd just DO them. Maybe. Maybe tomorrow. Argh.

Okay. That's better though. Laying it out like that lets me see that nothing is actually going wrong. Thanks for your indulgence with this long mememe post.

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I vote Smonster butt-dials everyone, but only if the cell phone is on an unlimited calling plan.

Vortex, I hope you can get your car loan stuff back on track.

Omnis, I am very very glad that you found out about this dangerous issue with the structure before it got you sick or dead. But I am sorry it will be such a PITA to get it taken care of.

Nora, what a rotten situation to come back to. I hope you find a new awesome employee soon. Dental~ma for Tom.

Sj, you are in my thoughts.

Dear Adorable Little 21 year old Colleague,

I admire the heck out of the importance you place on spending time with your family. But when I said I am willing to cover night shifts in emergencies, your uncle's birthday is not included in allowable emergency situations. So yes, that was a lame excuse I gave for turning you down.

As for the question of how I am always getting my time off requests approved while yours keep getting denied, bear in mind that since you started working here, I have asked for three days off. One of those days was because you wanted more hours and volunteered to cover a shift for me any time I wanted to use some PTO. I took that day not because I had any plans but because I have a boatload of PTO accumulated and I felt like being generous to you. The other two days I started making arrangements for three months ago, and I have managed to coordinate vacation time at two of the other three locations I work at for the same stretch of time. To contrast, at least once a month you have some family member's birthday that you try to get off work.

lots of love cuz you are such a little cutie, Me

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Anything we can do to help, Zen?

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Zenkitty, depression is a heavy sea to row. I am glad tht writing things out helped your perspective. I was getting set to give you a peptalk about how you deserve to be kind and patient with yourself. Or maybe some other stuff that is meant well, but so often falls flat to the depressed ear. I hate that I keep learning that depression is not a one and done thing. I want to be done with it myself. But I do not see it happening.

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Thanks, Dana. I dunno. Mainly I could use someone to poke at me and keep me on track getting tasks done, the next couple days, and not hiding in the Internet or tv or work.

(I wonder how many workaholics are like me, using work as an escape from Real Life? I mean, I really do have a ridiculous workload most of the time, but I use it an an excuse to not do anything else.)

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Most workaholics I know use work as a reasn to avoid their families.

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Zenkitty, depression is a heavy sea to row. I am glad tht writing things out helped your perspective. I was getting set to give you a peptalk about how you deserve to be kind and patient with yourself. Or maybe some other stuff that is meant well, but so often falls flat to the depressed ear. I hate that I keep learning that depression is not a one and done thing. I want to be done with it myself. But I do not see it happening.

I would like us both to be done with it, Andi. I'm glad I have people like you who understand to help me deal. I'm working real hard on being kind and patient with myself. "Patient" is hardest. Looking back over the last three decades, I can see I'm much better at dealing with Life than I used to be. It's just hard when I see how far I still seem to be from being the person I want to be. Be be be. Doobie doobie do.

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Zenkitty, we hold hands and we keep moving. One day at a time. One task at a time.

And since I'm trying to get out of the habit of speaking for the Bitches with 'we,' I'll say this with 'I' instead: I think you're wonderful, and I'm proud of you, and I will do my utmost to be here to support you when you need it in the rough times and to celebrate with you in the festive times.

(I suspect that I am not alone in this sentiment, but I won't try to speak for anyone else.)

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Karl speaks for me too. And since it's at least two of us, I can use the "we" word. We think you are amazing. And we will do our utmost to be here to support you. So if writing it all out helps, please do it!

I vote Smonster butt-dials everyone, but only if the cell phone is on an unlimited calling plan

Will she be wearing the belly dancing bell belt? Video phone? Could make it more interesting. IJS.

So it looks like I really lucked out with the new community. Everyone I've met so far seems real cool and friendly. The gay couple (I say it like there is only one, but there are more), they were walking back from drinking somewhere, and popped in. They love my flooring and paint choices. Heck, if I got gay seal of approval, I guess I did ok. But then again, they were both pretty lit up, so odds are, they'd love everything. Anyhow, baseboards in the living room are painted. The dining room boards are taped up, so tomorrow those can be painted. We started getting the tub area ready to install some ceramic soap dish, shelf for shampoo, and a grab bar. So hopefully we can finish that tomorrow. And it looks like the sink issue is just a couple washers. So we will pick those up tomorrow and see if she still leaks. Some progress in the rest of the place, while in a holding pattern in the bedroom.

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One day at a time. One task at a time.

What Karl said, Zenkitty. All of it. Just know that I'll be here rooting for you as you take each step, and will also be here for you with hairpats (or whatever you would find soothing) if you run out of spoons and have to not take steps for a little bit.

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