For me, I think I'm learning to live letting plans go. And I'm a planner. Even in the midst of a crisis, I have worst case all mapped out and settled to an end I can accept. But I'm learning, barely, to let the routine shift. Doesn't mean I like it. Don't you DARE make my swim impossible, I chafe when plans get proposed in under 24 hours. But I'm getting more accepting (though not of the swim!)

The last few years, hell, sometimes every day, are akin to me climbing on the plane to Prague without knowing if my host knew I was coming (I hyperventilated halfway into the flight and the only thing that calmed me down was a blanket over my head and the window, staring out at the familiar Orion.)

And drunk on electricity, I need to go to bed.

If mom is pulling a trump card and you go to NM, that's okay. We'll understand (and adjust...) No guilt!

Oh no. Mom is all "Oh, don't even worry about that! That's your holiday" and insisting on paying for it. Yeah, we love my mom.

Skinner would say that it was a failure of chained responses in verbal associative learning, but it could be a Freudian slip.

Heh. I actually understood that sentence.

I think I just need to go to bed. My head is throbbing from the combo of crying and wine, and I can't respond to everything you all have said in the last 20 posts or so the way I want (and need) to. It's more appreciated than you will ever know.

I think the next thing I need to figure out is whether I'm truly depressed, and if so, is it situational or clinical depression? (Ironically, this is also butting up against preconceived expectations, because my people are a hardy stock, have survived greater, and most certainly do not get depressed. Again, my issues, they are legion.)

Yes, we do! She's pretty fab. If you went to NM, we might come to you instead...

Though twins and road trips are....well, difficult.

I think you need to recover from the last.

OK, really going to bed now. With fans! Running!

Skinner would say that it was a failure of chained responses in verbal associative learning, but it could be a Freudian slip.

Either analysis would be subject to the theories of Dr. Autocorrect.

Even the hardiest stock would be subject to situational depression in your circumstances, Maria, plus I suspect that hardy stock get depressed, but don't talk about it. An antidepressant can help with either.

Eh, Maria, you've had a shitty time of it lately. Not surprising that you would be depressed.

But you have to think of the poor twins. Not only do they have two psychologists for parents (even one is too much of a burden for any kid), they are identical twins with two parents who study identical twins for a living. Only time will tell if they can overcome this hardship.

Hah! Wow, you both study identical twins? How weirded/psyched out were you when you found out you were having some?

Much as there are things (partner, kids) I want in life, I think one thing I've realized is that there are many paths I could take, and I suspect I would have different issues in all of them. I mean, I think about if I had moved somewhere else, or not moved, or gone to a different college, or not ever thought about being gay, or whatever...and I think about how in all those cases I'd still have issues. Different ones than I have now, but still. (OK, some would be the same--I'd still be me, and still, say, hate cleaning the house) But I can easily imagine myself as a suburban housewife. Or having moved to another country. Or whatever.

ETA: Oh, and I have to say, I'm jealous of and happy for Sarameg every time she talks about her awesome neighborhood and neighbors! I like my house and where I live location-wise, but definitely don't have anything like that, and that would be awesome!

You could stop in Arizona! What? It's on the way!

And we'll actually be around this year, probably. Usually we go to the missions convention and it's somewhere midwestish so we drive or train and then visit family for the holiday. But this year it's in Atlanta, so if we go at all, I fly solo, which would put me back in AZ for the holiday.

You all are really fabulous, but sometimes I wonder if you're actually seeing *me*, 'cause I sure as hell don't see what you're seeing.

That's what we're here for, because you can't see you--you're inside you! But we can, and we see you, and you look awesome to us. This is a super hard time, but you can get through this. And we're here for you.

I'd like to think I'd leave a dent, you know?

Someone wrote a whole chapter about you in a book once. And gave you a moon.

Oh, Maria. {{hugs}}

As wiser and more articulate folks have said upthread, other people having a shitty time doesn't make your pain any less valid. You're allowed to be unhappy, and please don't beat yourself up about it.