This photo is freaky: [link]

Other posts on this blog are NSFW.

Ow. On the way home from the mall, I was chewing gum and my filling came out. (It doesn't currently hurt, and I stopped at the drug store and got some goop to stick in it, but I'm not sure how well I'm going to eat or drink until it's fixed).

More annoyingly, I called my dentist and their office is closed on Monday! And I have a work trip on Tuesday. Grrrr. Left a message on the emergency number, we'll see what they say.

If the local theater says Company is playing at 12:00p.m, do you think that's noon or midnight?

Noon. Midnight is 12 a.m.

That's what I thought, but noon on Sunday is a weird time for a special showing.

That's when the theater closest to me is playing it, too. And I can't go, of course.

Midnight seems more for cult classics and blockbusters openings, though, not the crowd who would see Company.

Noon makes sense to me, you can switch the print (or whatever they use these days) after the special showing and just lose a matinee of whatever's usually on that screen.

A lot of theatres are showing Company at noon tomorrow around here. I was lucky enough to find one that is also showing it at 7:30, so I can go see it after spending the day with Dad.

Okay, buffistas, time for me to process by unloading. Okay? Some of you know some of this, but I have to tell the rest of you to get to the bit where I need help.

So. My great-aunt, my grandmother's sister, died this week. She was 96; the last of her generation. There is no remaining matriarch like her in the next generation, a fact that my mom feels angsty about. Mom was an only child; her cousins were like siblings to her. I grew up close to my cousins, but only at the mainland/Hawaii remove.

The funeral, which will be a Buddhist ceremony, is on Wednesday. My mom can't go because she has to take care of my dad. I tried to let her have me take care of dad and her go, but she won't. My brother-in-law offered both to go himself as family rep or to look after the kids while my sis went. But my mom rejected both of these offers. I did not in fact offer to go myself, because I can't afford it. I think they'd send me if I asked to go, though.

But a) it's expensive, b) I'd have to put the dog in the kennel, and c) I'm currently committed to a week of work here in Indy. C. would understand, I'm sure. B. would be an expense. A. the folks would have to cover. Plus there's some small social anxiety stuff about being there and negotiating without immediate fam, and also because I know stuff that's going on with my cousins that my mom's generation apparently do not know. But it would probably be good on both counts for me to get to let loose with them some.

So. Anyway. I wasn't going to try to go. I was processing my grief pretty reasonably by the excellent and time-tried method of not thinking about it very much.

But tonight I heard that my cousin Sheldon has been hospitalized for his bipolar disorder, triggered by Auntie's death. Sheldon was Auntie's primary caregiver for decades, and lived in her house with her for years even before that. He used to be a chef, but injured his back and has not been able to work as a chef since then. His job as caregiver was his only income. And his parents (much as I love them) are deeply dysfunctional and Auntie basically raised him and the other cousins. So he lost way more than a grandma.

Having heard that news, I...dunno.

I'm sadder. And I want to go. But not to go to the funeral. I want to go see Sheldon. Which I probably would not even be able to do.

I don't know what to do. It sucks to have the financial bite right now where I can't just decide on my own merits to go. I don't want to ask the folks to send me, but I think they would. My family is being very Japanese and not really letting on how they feel, so I can't even tell if they would like for me to go and just aren't saying it because they think it would be too hard for me, or if they really just don't think it's necessary for any of us to go.

And I guess it's sad because I had thought to myself at one point that the only thing that would probably draw me back to Hawaii would be Auntie's funeral, and now here it is and I'm not going, so maybe I never will. And that's upsetting.

But realistically, I and my cousins don't have the same relationship as mom and her cousins, so I probably wouldn't go just to visit them. And this is the closest direct relative, so if I'm not going for her funeral, I don't know that I'm going for anybody's.

I guess I just, I don't know. I feel sad.