P-C this is the most important thing ever to them, until you concede to their wishes and then the most important thing will when and how you have children and where you rear them and what school they go to. And so on.

IJS.

It also sounds like they are training you and your brother and sister to be "disappointments" to them, so that they will always have something to criticize you guys for and keep you dependent...but they are carefully keeping you just on this side of the disownage line.

You can't make them happy. They don't want you to.

You can't make them happy. They don't want you to.

Again, with the killer wisdom.

And I wish I'd had Buffistas to speak sooth like this to me 30 years ago...

BTDT.

Has anyone ever done everything 'right' in the eyes of a parent, lover, etc. and then enjoyed endless peace in the family?

The closest I've ever gotten was the exact opposite. Cutting off by moving two time zones away. According to my sister, our mother speaks of me as the blessed one. Which is just puzzling to me, because I'm the one who doesn't bother to go to church anymore, and I rarely call her. Of course, it's a lot easier to love someone who isn't talking back to you. So maybe that's the secret. People ask me how often I go back to visit - and the answer is, not in over ten years. I don't miss my mother's craxy. But I resent the hell out of the fact that having to escape her craxy meant not getting to be there to watch my nephews and niece grow up.

ETA: And I'm thankful as all get-out for Daniel's mom, she's the best MiL ever (even if it's not official). It's also one of the reasons I miss Ray so much.

Sunil, let me just say this: I know your parents aren't evil. They aren't heartless monsters of the type that Lifetime movies get made about. They don't sit around after dinner and plan how they can ruin your life.

They sound like typical parents, really: they want you to have a good life and be happy.

But they want you to have that life on their terms. I know that you know all this, but I just wanted to couch it in this perspective: they aren't being evil. And that's probably the worst part. If they were being evil, you could walk away with no qualms and just have your life the way you want it.

But listen to me: even though they aren't intending to be evil, aren't actively sitting around planning how to ruin your life, that still doesn't mean what they're doing is okay. You aren't their appendage. You aren't their ticket to happiness.

I've never gone into much detail about the convoluted, enmeshed, co-dependent bullshit that was my relationship with my mom, but I know I've talked about working my ass off to break that pattern and let her sit with her bullshit while I owned my life (and my own bullshit).

It was fucking HARD. It was, honestly, TERRIFYING. And it still has some ripples in my emotional life today (me and perfect mental health were never meant to be), but it turned out just fine.

She, too, was not being deliberately evil. She wasn't being malicious. She had her own shit, her own ugly-ass emotional baggage that was playing out in our relationship when it never should have. She was being a mom, wanted me to be happy -- but she was still running roughshod over my life all the time. And I let her, and it made me miserable. Until I stopped letting her.

Ach, now I'm rambling. All I'm trying to say is, this is so goddamn hard for you, and I hate it for you. Your parents can be not-evil, they can want you to be happy, and STILL, unfortunately, make you miserable.

There really is only one way to effectively deal with this. And it's hard. But if it's something you want to do, you can TOTALLY do it. I know you can.

P-C you'll be ready to marry when you are ready. I wasn't ready until last January and I've got a few years on you. There is nothing wrong with getting married later in life.

Thank you Steph for putting it that way. You are wise.

There is nothing wrong with getting married later in life.

Man, I hope so. (There is nothing impending; just...you know. My own schemes. [Followed by cold feet. All in my head.])

Thank you Steph for putting it that way. You are wise.

Well, when people are being total shitbags, it's easy (or easier) to just walk away. But when their intentions are good, but the execution is like the Hindenburg, it's not so easy to take a stand.

Parents, dang. Sometimes it would be so much easier if we were hatched from eggs wrapped up in $100 bills.