Has anyone ever done everything 'right' in the eyes of a parent, lover, etc. and then enjoyed endless peace in the family?

The closest I've ever gotten was the exact opposite. Cutting off by moving two time zones away. According to my sister, our mother speaks of me as the blessed one. Which is just puzzling to me, because I'm the one who doesn't bother to go to church anymore, and I rarely call her. Of course, it's a lot easier to love someone who isn't talking back to you. So maybe that's the secret. People ask me how often I go back to visit - and the answer is, not in over ten years. I don't miss my mother's craxy. But I resent the hell out of the fact that having to escape her craxy meant not getting to be there to watch my nephews and niece grow up.

ETA: And I'm thankful as all get-out for Daniel's mom, she's the best MiL ever (even if it's not official). It's also one of the reasons I miss Ray so much.

Sunil, let me just say this: I know your parents aren't evil. They aren't heartless monsters of the type that Lifetime movies get made about. They don't sit around after dinner and plan how they can ruin your life.

They sound like typical parents, really: they want you to have a good life and be happy.

But they want you to have that life on their terms. I know that you know all this, but I just wanted to couch it in this perspective: they aren't being evil. And that's probably the worst part. If they were being evil, you could walk away with no qualms and just have your life the way you want it.

But listen to me: even though they aren't intending to be evil, aren't actively sitting around planning how to ruin your life, that still doesn't mean what they're doing is okay. You aren't their appendage. You aren't their ticket to happiness.

I've never gone into much detail about the convoluted, enmeshed, co-dependent bullshit that was my relationship with my mom, but I know I've talked about working my ass off to break that pattern and let her sit with her bullshit while I owned my life (and my own bullshit).

It was fucking HARD. It was, honestly, TERRIFYING. And it still has some ripples in my emotional life today (me and perfect mental health were never meant to be), but it turned out just fine.

She, too, was not being deliberately evil. She wasn't being malicious. She had her own shit, her own ugly-ass emotional baggage that was playing out in our relationship when it never should have. She was being a mom, wanted me to be happy -- but she was still running roughshod over my life all the time. And I let her, and it made me miserable. Until I stopped letting her.

Ach, now I'm rambling. All I'm trying to say is, this is so goddamn hard for you, and I hate it for you. Your parents can be not-evil, they can want you to be happy, and STILL, unfortunately, make you miserable.

There really is only one way to effectively deal with this. And it's hard. But if it's something you want to do, you can TOTALLY do it. I know you can.

P-C you'll be ready to marry when you are ready. I wasn't ready until last January and I've got a few years on you. There is nothing wrong with getting married later in life.

Thank you Steph for putting it that way. You are wise.

There is nothing wrong with getting married later in life.

Man, I hope so. (There is nothing impending; just...you know. My own schemes. [Followed by cold feet. All in my head.])

Thank you Steph for putting it that way. You are wise.

Well, when people are being total shitbags, it's easy (or easier) to just walk away. But when their intentions are good, but the execution is like the Hindenburg, it's not so easy to take a stand.

Parents, dang. Sometimes it would be so much easier if we were hatched from eggs wrapped up in $100 bills.

I advocate arising by spontaneous generation from the mud of the Nile, which is how they used to think crocodiles were born.

I often wonder if other species are anywhere near as f'ed up as we are. Perhaps they are and because we can't speak their language, we just don't know.

Well, when people are being total shitbags, it's easy (or easier) to just walk away. But when their intentions are good, but the execution is like the Hindenburg, it's not so easy to take a stand.

I need sleep. I read "Hinduburg"

There is nothing wrong with getting married later in life.

I should hope not, cause I would like to. Someday. And I'm 33 and don't have even an inkling of a girlfriend!

I often wonder if other species are anywhere near as f'ed up as we are. Perhaps they are and because we can't speak their language, we just don't know.

t ahem You called?

Marmot mothers will routinely harass and beat on their own grown daughters, to the point that if any of them get pregnant, they spontaneously abort. This is because the family can't keep more than one litter warm through winter.

There's a species of mite where the females outnumber the males maybe 15:1. The males don't go out looking for a mate; they simply copulate with their own sisters, all of them. Oh, and to make sure they don't go astray, this all takes place in their mother's womb. Then the mother bursts, her daughters all crawl off to try to come to terms with this glimpse of their own futures, and the male dies inside his mother's corpse.

The Japanese red bug's offspring are very demanding, subsisting on the fruit of only one type of tree. If they decide the mother isn't doing a good enough job of keeping them supplied, they will in essence sack her and go find another provider. After working the nanny to death, they'll pause long enough to devour her before leaving.

To name a few.