Lisah, I would agree that a typed note with your signature should be just fine.

What everyone said about depression. Ask directly if she's suicidal, and if so, whether she has a plan. And if she's really determined, she will find a way. But it's one area where I've found directness to be most effective.

One of the most freeing things I found, and this is my experience, so her personality may not be the same (but I think this holds true for the majority of people suffering from depression) is just telling her what you understand about what's she's going through. That it's horrible, that it makes people with it feel like they are worthless, that things are hopeless, that they don't have the energy sometimes to even cry, that you can look ok from the outside when everything's shitty on the inside, that it's secretly something you feel you SHOULD be able to control, that it's your fault...

Tell her that these are what people you know who are depressed feel, and that you get that what she's going through sucks ass, and that you don't blame her, it's a chemical imbalance, and you are there and you love her.

I had to be told many, MANY times that severe depression is a disease, like diabetes, and like diabetes, you have to do certain things or you WILL get sick again.

Ask her what helps, if she needs to communicate via email vs. phone (because I found I could NOT talk to people sometimes F2F, but I could say stuff via email.)

Send her random, but SINCERE notes in the mail. Take her to get her hair cut or a pedi or a massage (feeling and looking better can be important little jolts when you are depressed.)

Ask her if she likes her therapist, what she hates about her meds, let her know you'll listen if she wants to talk about how she feels.

These are the things that I felt, that I know, and that work for me.

Let her know it goes in cycles. Tell her to educate herself about it. If you KNOW what your brain is doing is a pattern or a habit, and that it's a symptom, it can help.

Most of all, Laura, let her know that you love her, and will love her, no matter what. That was important to me when I felt like the world's biggest fuck-up and loser.

Man, it's no wonder I get misty when I read books or see films depicting what a healthy family is like. My eldest brother is crashing his family here while he spends his time in Altadena at my younger brother's Thanksgiving, to which I was not invited. So I've got one brother who is going to make a mess here, not clean up after himself if previous times are any indiction, and basically snub my parents. And I've got another brother who while he is friendly to my face, doesn't invite me to his T-day despite the fact he knows I just moved here this year and know no one in town. This really changes how I feel about him.

Spidra, that's is horrible. That's extremely rude, unless you slept with brother-in-town's wife, or stole his Bible or something. I'm sorry.

{{{{{Spidra}}}}}}

Wait, did younger brother invite your parents and other bro and not you?

It's pretty hurtful. I like this brother and thought he liked me. Now I know better.

However, though I would have liked to have been invited, I would have had mixed feelings about accepting because of worry about hurting my parents' feelings. Apparently that's no problem for my eldest brother (who is the golden boy in their eyes, BTW). He's not only happy to come to town but spend T-day elsewhere, he's happy to use the best guest room here while he does it. It's not as if he can't afford a hotel room. And if he's not even going to be attending T-day here, I would have thought having the good taste to stay somewhere else would have been part of the deal. But I guess he can't afford yet another ski vacation unless he billets his family here and rubs it even more into my parents' face.

Gah. Lately I had felt maybe T-day wouldn't be that bad. But it's kinda shaping up to be that way. I know part of it is me - if I didn't get bugged so much by things. One thing that I really don't get is that eldest brother can do something shitty like this and still be the golden boy. He's always had more friends than I've had, always been more socially successful. Yet he's not a very nice person. I try hard to be polite and nice and yet I've always had trouble making friends and am extremely isolated right now. While few of the symptoms seem to fit, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the autism spectrum just because of this feeling of not knowing how this human game works.

{{{Laura}}} I'm not sure I have any advice to add to what others have said, because they are very wise. I do have a very close friend that has struggled with severe depression his whole life, and it definitely gets worse around the holidays. A few years ago, when he was going through a rough phase at this time of year, his therapist made sure that he had a backpack packed and ready to go, so that if he felt seriously suicidal, he was ready to check himself into the hospital at a moment's notice. The backpack was more symbolic than anything, because obviously any of us could have brought him stuff, but he had an action plan in place, and we all knew about it--his therapist, his parents, his wife, his friends. We all knew what the backpack in the corner was there for, and it turns out he did check himself into the hospital. And we all went and hung out with him there and acted like it was no big deal. We were just glad he made that choice rather than the alternative.

Spidra, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry. That's just incredibly saddening and frustrating. Many hugs to you.

Scrappy, my parents are having the extended family T-day like they always do. Apparently one of my younger brothers is holding his own T-day at his home a couple miles away. I only found out when I overheard that my eldest brother will be arriving at my parents', using the guest room, etc. only to turn around and go to T-day at my younger brother's. I don't know who else my brother has invited or not invited.

I can understand him holding his own T-day although that might hurt my mom's feelings. We have a very large dysfunctional family. Even if it were not a dysfunctional family, a family this large makes for a very loud and somewhat stressful T-day. And I have no idea how his young wife feels about our family. They come over here and such, but it's usually when they get something out of it like free food or booze. Said brother has done things like bring a bottle here and then pour half the olive oil from my parents' kitchen into it. "Shopping".

Eldest brother is a very self-involved guy. He has cut himself off from the rest of the family for the most part. He has a relationship with my parents directly for the sake of his kids, I think. My dad, especially, adores his children. But his MO is to basically use my parents as a hotel while he does other things in LA. Writing this out, I realize I shouldn't have been surprised. He's been a user before. He just hasn't been quite as bald-faced about it as this.

Laura, as I said it's difficult to give advice without knowing your sister's mindset and habits. But I've suffered from depression since my teens and have considered suicide several times a year since then. I've had to develop a number of coping mechanisms and I have some experience with depressed thought processes. I'm happy to offer whatever advice I'm capable of. Just email me if you need it.