Man, it's no wonder I get misty when I read books or see films depicting what a healthy family is like. My eldest brother is crashing his family here while he spends his time in Altadena at my younger brother's Thanksgiving, to which I was not invited. So I've got one brother who is going to make a mess here, not clean up after himself if previous times are any indiction, and basically snub my parents. And I've got another brother who while he is friendly to my face, doesn't invite me to his T-day despite the fact he knows I just moved here this year and know no one in town. This really changes how I feel about him.

Spidra, that's is horrible. That's extremely rude, unless you slept with brother-in-town's wife, or stole his Bible or something. I'm sorry.

{{{{{Spidra}}}}}}

Wait, did younger brother invite your parents and other bro and not you?

It's pretty hurtful. I like this brother and thought he liked me. Now I know better.

However, though I would have liked to have been invited, I would have had mixed feelings about accepting because of worry about hurting my parents' feelings. Apparently that's no problem for my eldest brother (who is the golden boy in their eyes, BTW). He's not only happy to come to town but spend T-day elsewhere, he's happy to use the best guest room here while he does it. It's not as if he can't afford a hotel room. And if he's not even going to be attending T-day here, I would have thought having the good taste to stay somewhere else would have been part of the deal. But I guess he can't afford yet another ski vacation unless he billets his family here and rubs it even more into my parents' face.

Gah. Lately I had felt maybe T-day wouldn't be that bad. But it's kinda shaping up to be that way. I know part of it is me - if I didn't get bugged so much by things. One thing that I really don't get is that eldest brother can do something shitty like this and still be the golden boy. He's always had more friends than I've had, always been more socially successful. Yet he's not a very nice person. I try hard to be polite and nice and yet I've always had trouble making friends and am extremely isolated right now. While few of the symptoms seem to fit, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the autism spectrum just because of this feeling of not knowing how this human game works.

{{{Laura}}} I'm not sure I have any advice to add to what others have said, because they are very wise. I do have a very close friend that has struggled with severe depression his whole life, and it definitely gets worse around the holidays. A few years ago, when he was going through a rough phase at this time of year, his therapist made sure that he had a backpack packed and ready to go, so that if he felt seriously suicidal, he was ready to check himself into the hospital at a moment's notice. The backpack was more symbolic than anything, because obviously any of us could have brought him stuff, but he had an action plan in place, and we all knew about it--his therapist, his parents, his wife, his friends. We all knew what the backpack in the corner was there for, and it turns out he did check himself into the hospital. And we all went and hung out with him there and acted like it was no big deal. We were just glad he made that choice rather than the alternative.

Spidra, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry. That's just incredibly saddening and frustrating. Many hugs to you.

Scrappy, my parents are having the extended family T-day like they always do. Apparently one of my younger brothers is holding his own T-day at his home a couple miles away. I only found out when I overheard that my eldest brother will be arriving at my parents', using the guest room, etc. only to turn around and go to T-day at my younger brother's. I don't know who else my brother has invited or not invited.

I can understand him holding his own T-day although that might hurt my mom's feelings. We have a very large dysfunctional family. Even if it were not a dysfunctional family, a family this large makes for a very loud and somewhat stressful T-day. And I have no idea how his young wife feels about our family. They come over here and such, but it's usually when they get something out of it like free food or booze. Said brother has done things like bring a bottle here and then pour half the olive oil from my parents' kitchen into it. "Shopping".

Eldest brother is a very self-involved guy. He has cut himself off from the rest of the family for the most part. He has a relationship with my parents directly for the sake of his kids, I think. My dad, especially, adores his children. But his MO is to basically use my parents as a hotel while he does other things in LA. Writing this out, I realize I shouldn't have been surprised. He's been a user before. He just hasn't been quite as bald-faced about it as this.

Laura, as I said it's difficult to give advice without knowing your sister's mindset and habits. But I've suffered from depression since my teens and have considered suicide several times a year since then. I've had to develop a number of coping mechanisms and I have some experience with depressed thought processes. I'm happy to offer whatever advice I'm capable of. Just email me if you need it.

Laura, I was always lucky to get support from my family when I bottomed out. It's horrible to watch, I'm sure, and the feeling of helplessness can't be fun. I think offering assurances and total support are fine--even if she doesn't think it will help. It does sound like she's taking steps and it's a matter of getting meds and life stuff hammered out. Good luck, no matter what. I hope her symptoms are under control soon and that she understands what a great, supportive sister you are.

Hmm. Maybe he just thinks you'd want to be with your parents for the day. You already have a T-Day to go to, after all. As to staying there without being there for The Day, Older Bro has the holy grail, grandchildren, and providing access to them excuses many many things for a lot of parents IME.

In my family, we have the OPPOSITE problem--my mom wishes my brother would stay with her and not at a hotel even when he is in town on a business trip.