Sean, I wanted you to know I'm reading and thinking of you. Not good with the words when it comes to the feelings, me. But I know what depression is like - and I think you were courageous to post, too.

The words are good because they're there, Spidra. Not because of what they are.

In my personal experience, the "random cheerfully racist and don't you agree with me, perfect stranger?" behavior happens to me more away from the lovely liberal urban edges. It's not that racist shit doesn't occur at home, but its not with the same sort of blatant assumed camaraderie when it does.

Like the other day I was paying a bill here on the phone in central Florida. The guy on the other end of the phone knows my Aunt and inquired as to how she was doing up there in NY. I gave him an update and we talked about how good it is that her insurance is covering all of this -- he owns the small business I was paying and he'd be wiped out by something like this. She's a retired teacher, I pointed out, with a good union... then he starts going OFF on how, if you're a minority the government just pays for everything! I got to hear about how blacks and all those illegal mexicans get it all for free. Like, for a while.

I'm all, "Um, yeah... I don't know that it so much works that way..."

Or the time on a Greyhound going through Virgina when I started to sit down next to a black dude and the white woman three rows back starts up with an exaggerated stage whisper that I NEEDED TO COME SIT WITH HER!!!!!

Um, yeah... I'll sit here, thanks...

People will certainly be racist pricks at home, but they tend to start slow, "well you know..." before they tell me that since I'm a big girl I could consider dating black guys...

To that I can reply that I've dated people from any number of ethnicities, and I really don't see what the big deal is, thanks. And look at them like they're INSANE. But I'm a little at a loss when the assumption is that I'm going to rant along.

Sean - I am appalled at what that woman and your ex-friend put you through.

Because I need the little. Even if it isn't a lot. I need the little.

I'm glad you said this as well, Sean. We know we can't be all things to all people, but we can be a little something to some people. (Both Universal 'We' and Buffista 'We'). Thank you again for sharing with us.

People will certainly be racist pricks at home, but they tend to start slow

In a Cross-Cultural Diversity class I had the opportunity to ask a black guy who grew up in Alabama whether we're really less racist (in CA or SoCal) or whether it's the same all over. He said there're racists everywhere, but that we at least tend not to be so blatant about it. Normally I'm a fan of honesty, but I think we can all agree this is a good one to keep under wraps. IOW, sorry you're dealing with that crap with unfortunate regularity where you're at.

Oh, I want to be clear, its NOT a regular thing. Its just that when it happens it leaves me staggering.

I had a friend who grew up Coloured in Cape Town. He'd talk about how in New York sales staff would follow him in stores until he spoke to them and sounded suitably fancy with his Britishy accent -- at which point they'd be all buddy-buddy. In his experience apartheid had been easier to deal with because as long as you played by the rules no one gave you shit.

Because I need the little. Even if it isn't a lot. I need the little.

Sean, that's just gutting because it's so true. I have been in that place and I don't envy you. I just want more than anything for you to see a way out and I know it will come, but I also know that doesn't really make it any better now.

I don't think racism is an unchangable characteristic. It's an opportunity to educate.

I remember someone saying out loud that the reason there are so many Mexicans is because they don't believe in birth control. I don't think that person thought she was racist at all, and I still don't know if she is. I do know that that was a racist thing to say. So I told her, and I told her why.

I don't care what you are; I care what you did. [link]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Sean, and that it hurt you so badly. Thank you for telling us.