At this point, after being single for almost ever, I think a huge part of me will freak out when being in a relationship is even an option.

This is where I am, actually. As someone who is change-averse, even changing from single to not-single would be somewhat traumatic. And confusing.

somewhat traumatic. And confusing.

Yet, sex on tap.

So there's that.

Also, analgesia.

I'm not happy being single. I'm decidedly UNhappy about it. I know what I want, and it's not to be single. But this isn't about some amorphous wanting "someone," and anyone can fill the blank. I do want specific people.

But more than that.....

I haven't spoken much about the events of the last year, and this is but a summation, but here it is: Last year, over the summer, I met someone who seemed to be everything I ever wanted. She told me she was very interested in me, how comfortable she was around me, how much she liked me, and how she was excited to "testing the waters" and "exploring the possibilities" with me.

Then, in a series of bombs, told me she wasn't interested in me, had never been interested in me, that she didn't really like me very much, and that nobody else did either. Oh, and by the way, the entire time she'd been fucking someone else (who also claimed to be a friend of mine) Several people stepped up to confirm her stories at that point.

These events have put me into intense therapy (still ongoing), put me on medication, and drove me to the edge of suicide.

I'm no longer suicidal. I have done enough work to be more or less functional in my life. Going to Italy helped me feel better for a little while.

But I'm NOT better. I'm in pain every day.

And worst of all, it doesn't matter what the objective reality is -- whether I'm hot or not (and unfortunately telling me how attractive I am, I'm sad to say, doesn't actually make me feel attractive), the massive amounts of damage that were done to me over the last year are irreparable, or seem to be right now. And if not irreparable, it will take so long to overcome what was done to my psyche, it may as well be irreparable.

It took almost twenty years, and a lot of work to gain the confidence that was so easily destroyed.

All I'll ever be is fucking damaged goods. And I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE SINGLE.

AND IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO JUST FUCKING GET OUT OF FUCKING BED.

damnit, first world problem. i started a flare yesterday. a bad one. now i am well accustomed to dealing with these, no matter how miserable they are. however, today is the last day of my month-long unlimited pass for the local yoga studio and i was really looking forward to a noon class today, esp after having to miss out yesterday due to &%^#&*( ribs popping out of place. But now i'm even worse today after an adjustment yesterday and wallowing in the misery of not being able to concentrate on anything, including the new Gail Carringer book i picked up from the library yesterday before the flare started. And cancelling on a day tonight, but not bothering to call in sick for work tomorrow because i can't do anything at all pleasant at home, and i'm not contagious, so might as well be miserable at work and not waste the sick day. Woe!

eta: correction: cancelled on a date tonight. but that's kinda ok, as it was first date w/ a not so very interesting guy with high possibility for wankitude.

Sean, there are NO WORDS for how hard I want to smack that stupid, stupid woman right now.

fucking A Sean, that girl doesn't deserve to live after treating you that way. What on earth could make anyone jerk around *anyone* that way, much less someone as awesome as you. I'd totally hunt her down and kick her ass, except that i can't drive right now. Or kick. But i shall shoot doom rays with my mind, oh hell yes.

Yet, sex on tap.

So there's that.

There IS that.

Also, analgesia.

Women are pain-relievers?

Jesus, Sean. I know "I'm sorry, that's completely fucked" isn't much, but cripes.

It's damaged or affected every single relationship in my life. It's destroyed several, and nearly destroyed several others. It's severly damaged my ability to trust people, even people I've known my whole life. It's driven a wedge of distance between me and everyone I know. It's pretty much crippled my ability to form new relationships.

And it's made me want to give up working in theater, the one thing that's ever consistently brought me joy in my life, because every single person involved in what happened is a theater person here in LA. Sooner or later, I'm going to run into someone again. I really don't know how I'll handle that.

Sean, I'm proud of you for just posting that. I know how much courage it took, and I think that's huge.

I know there's no way to convince yourself of this, but you were not the problem in that relationship. From everything you've told me, S was an incredibly damaged person who unfortunately chose to take it out on you instead of using your love and support to help heal herself. None of which is your fault.

I had a friend I thought was close to me abruptly fuck me over a couple years ago, and it almost made me question the other relationships in my life. But I'm not going to give him that much power over me. He was and is a royal douche. But that stands independent of the people that were and still are marvellous to me.

I can't lie--I do look at new people kinda funny, but I force myself to look back at the good and true friends who are still proving themselves, and not that guy who betrayed me, and I just have to hope they turn out like the good guys and not the jerkwad.