I hope I didn't come across as saying people shouldn't feel free to rant or get hairpats or any of the wonderful things that Bitches provides. I did not want to suggest that at all. I just feel that sometimes we get mad instead of offering support or trying to figure out solutions. I am not talking about the brilliant and hilarious invective that many bitches specialize in--that stuff is funny.

Just something to think about. Or not.....

What do you think, Bitches? Am I off the mark?

Unsurprisingly, I concur with Scrappy. I'm not big on hairpats and brackets anyway, and definitely don't default to validation. I haven't noticed it in particular lately (though I was a little taken aback by the mildness of smonster's roommate's actual note which seemed pretty different in tone from how she interpreted it). (Let me amend that by saying that's not a critique of smonster as I definitely think there were some passive floppy boundaries and odd communication issues with the roomie.)

On this hand, I certainly value the "your enemy is my enemy" dynamic but the other hand is bigger and it holds all my discomfort with reflexive validation.

Happy birthday, Nora!

I think that support in Bitches sometimes spills over into demonizing whoever or whatever makes a Buffista feel bad, and that can hinder getting to a healthy place. I think we all need a reality check sometimes and sometimes it seems to me that we (Buffistas) fail to do that.

It's hard, I know, as lots of times a person just needs to vent and a reality check is the completely wrong thing. Sometimes, though, people are struggling with emotions or figuring out a situation and simple validation may not be the most helpful choice.

What do you think, Bitches? Am I off the mark?

I don't think you are off of the mark at all. And I've tried to bring it up before but never could get the wording quite this clear.

Validating our friends by demonizing people who are sometimes just being flawed but not evil humans twigs me. It's not the validating our friends that bothers me but the demonization of other actual humans. Most people have accidentally cut someone off in traffic or made a bad choice in a relationship or said the wrong thing at work. I find the demonizing off putting, personally.

Sigh. Confusing girls are confusing.

Truly.

Well, since I was one of the first folks telling smonster not to feed the crazy, let me apologize if I offended anyone. That wasn't my intent. I rarely jump in, and was frankly pretty worried that I'd stepped over some line. Scrappy, thanks for saying what you said.

I don't think you or anybody else stepped over a line, Sox.

I don't think the validation vibe is bad either (even though I'm not keen on it personally. Please don't bracket me!). It's more the demonizing-the-other-person element which Cass just articulated.

And I don't think there's any one instance that was egregious. More that it's oftentimes healthier to try to think of the offending person as something other than a FUCKO! Just that it's useful to try to understand their perspective.

I get what Scrappy's saying and she is, as usual, quite wise. I still think smonster's roomie needed some lessons in tact.

Well, since I was one of the first folks telling smonster not to feed the crazy, let me apologize if I offended anyone. That wasn't my intent. I rarely jump in, and was frankly pretty worried that I'd stepped over some line.

As Hec said, that was NOT over any line, Sox.

To me there's a huge difference in saying that possibly when a roommate asks you not to linger in the kitchen that maybe there's other stuff at play and, for instance, the waitress brought me a sandwich with tomato on it when I clearly said that I preferred no tomato and then her being damned to an itchy flea dimension with no relief ever. I mean, I can take a tomato off of my sandwich and sometimes tomatoes are ripe and I even like them.

It's about scale and realizing that sometimes there are issues (people you share an apartment with and thus must communicate with and learn to deal with each other) and then there are sandwiches that come with a tomato. And maybe several strangers on the internet demonizing on the second isn't the most humane reaction. To me.

I am really hungry.

I am really hungry.

::hands Cass a really ripe, early girl tomato::

I don't get why it would be weird or unacceptable for me to go off on someone who cut me off in traffic. I'd expect to get cursed out if I did it--it's angering. That's what angry people do. Not chased in traffic, like I have been, but spouted about on a message board? Seems perfectly proportionate response.

It sounded like she(Roommate) was being a little crazy. Maybe not as crazy as we thought, although who knows? People can be every bit as effed up as you think they are...my grandma once spent money to have one of those champagne-glass photos taken...of herself. Who does that? Especially a grandma. (Of course, now some Buffista will have done it, felt empowered, and feel like I called her out as a crazy person.) Sorry. (Mostly, I don't want brackets either, but when I feel bad and don't get them, I feel rejected Which you can't possibly know, since I mostly underplay true misery as opposed to dramatizing minor discomfort...apparently my secondary disability is Larry David Syndrome.)