I think that support in Bitches sometimes spills over into demonizing whoever or whatever makes a Buffista feel bad, and that can hinder getting to a healthy place. I think we all need a reality check sometimes and sometimes it seems to me that we (Buffistas) fail to do that.
Yup, this is absolutely true. It's sometimes hard to know from a distance how best to be supportive, and we definitely do the pile-on here.
I did this, in a way, with my student on his way to Chicago. He kept saying stuff like, "I'm scared," and I was too quick to jump in with "You'll be fine." Which, while supportive, wasn't actually what he needed. I finally twigged to it at the airport and managed to ask, "Ok, what exactly is scaring you right at this moment?" and then we got to a productive conversation.
So maybe here we can take a breath to step back and ask some questions when we're getting ready to engage with something. And maybe we can give each other permission to ask, do you just want validation here or can you hear some advice. That's a bit of a hard question to respond to, but maybe if we give permission up front for it to be asked, we can hear it without it sounding like an accusation?
Thanks, Teppy! I have taken cipro before, and haven't noticed increased pain, but I'll keep it in mind. I usually avoid alcohol when I am taking an antibiotic, but dinner with the in-laws this weekend...
Happy Birthday, Nora!
And re: Bitch dogpile, yeah, I try to be even handed, but it's hard to know sometimes when someone needs a full-on Tino validation with invective, and when they need a check/advice.
But, ya know, we're never going to get it right in every situation, and think about how great it is that we even question when the dogpile v. check/advice is appropo.
So, as long as we keep questioning ourselves and our needs situations/reactions as individuals and as a community, I think it's good.
Oh, yeah - Happy Birthday Nora!!!
Happy birthday, Nora!
People suck a lot, and good people we love sometimes do sucky things. It's nice to have a place to blow of steam about it without hurting anyone's feelings. If that's too... unrealistic or annoying, then OK. Good to know.
I don't think that's what anyone is saying. It's more about the automatic assumption that everyone is just venting and wants to blow off steam, and therefore wants everyone to respond with the most colorful invectives ever, rather than asking if someone wants advice rather than validation.
Because we all truly support each other, the validation can sometimes veer to the beyond reasonable stage. And that unfortunately takes all of the gray out of things.
(Hi pot, I'm kettle. We're both black.)
It does sometimes seem extrme, but I think many of us are used to thinking that we're the ones at fault and jump on the pile to balance against that assumption.
That's my two-cents worth, anyway.
Happy birthday, Nora!
I do think sometimes we can lean a little too heavily towards feeling like someone who has Messed With one of us is entirely in the wrong, and it's occasionally useful to step back a bit and try to see things from the other POV. But our support for each other, and occasional outrage on each other's behalf, is genuine; if there's a correction to be made at times, it's only in the degree of our reaction, not in the strength or validity of our support. And of course, this is a great place to just vent and blow off steam, too, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And in this particular case, my read on smonster's situation is the same as Nora's: I think roomie overstepped a line, and when called on it, she backtracked instead of admitting it.
ION, surprise MIL visit is surprising! M's mom emailed this morning to see if she could come for a visit this weekend. (She just accepted a new job, having been laid off last month, and wanted to take advantage of her last free weekend for a while to come see us.) Fortunately, (a) I adore her, and (b) she is about the least imposing guest ever, so it's not actually a problem, but it still means we're going to have to do some significant cleaning tonight.
