yay!
My mom made the dish.
The USB santa if you just plug him in you may think he does nothing but turn him upsdie down and he will make sparkly glitter all night.
The bug earrings are the most expensive thing, purchased from the gift store of the wonderful Bowers Museum (also the source of the grow-your-own x-mas tree) and I fell in love with them for being defiantly pink. (a clue why I also had to send you the Sparkly Red-accented Snowflake.)
The thing which was the hardest to part with I think you haven't found yet, another pair of earrings I begged away from my mom. While I was boxing up your gift I was wearring them and they told me they wanted to go to Israel and I had another earring pouch so it just seemed like the right thing to do.
Now I can publicly thank Polter-Cow for writing the awesome teaser-gift poem. Thanks, P-C!
Awww, that is all so awesome and full of wowness! ::wipes eyes, blows nose::
When the post office said '1 week' I was like, 'yeah, right' but I've been obsessively checking back here since 6 days went by. I was a little worried that because I wrote silly things on the outside of the box that might cause a delay. (incidentally, it's: peace, love, and snowflake. I know my snowflake ended up looking like some sort of sea creature).
My mom made the dish.
Can you thank you mom on my behalf, as well?
Now I can publicly thank Polter-Cow for writing the awesome teaser-gift poem
And now I can thank P-C publicly for making my day - then, and every time I remembered it. Thank you, darlin'!
a clue why I also had to send you the Sparkly Red-accented Snowflake
Which is really, really, really looking good on my school bag and reminds me of you and b.org. I think I might have gone over the top when I attached one of the red ribbons (ribbons! I forgot that word when writing that post down, but I wanted to say that I was so excited to see so many of them! And yeah, I have no idea why a young, capable, intelligent woman as myself would get so thrilled from a bunch of ribbons, but that's a fact) to my bag, but I just felt like it. I wanted to carry it with me for longer distances, I guess, with a physical essence and not just in my mind and heart.
The thing which was the hardest to part with I think you haven't found yet
No! I saw them! And God, Laga, they're stunning. Really, really beautiful. Thank you. {{{{{{{}}}}}}}
For the rest of you: they are tiny blue ceramic repilcas of the Venus of Willendorf.
I think that's everything I sent. I hadn't sent a package overseas and when the postal worker asked me to list the contents I blanked and started to panic. Plus, there was only space for five items! I'm all, "Can I list 'decor'?"
Oh wait! There's a bookmark in the book! Which also has a funny story. I have coveted this book for years but when I found a copy in a used bookstore I decided it was such a very buffista gift that I must send it on. Then my mom bought me the same book! We each bought ours used, at two different shops. But when I saw that the one she bought for me, even though it contained an inscription, still had the "these pages censored for your safety" paper sheath I realized I had to keep the one I'd bought for you and send you the more pristine copy instead. Funny, huh? Well, I thought it was funny.
Shir, that's so awesome! I am thrilled that you are so thrilled! YAY!
______________
Ok, break to me news. Guys, I'm giving up teaching. It's not because I don't love sharing literature with people, or even the crappy semester I've had this semester.
You know I've struggled long and hard with chronic depression, and panic attacks. Well, the last several weeks, I've been spiraling down into depression and had several panic attacks that caused me to call in in a panic. After long, hard thought, research and soul-searching, I've decided that I just can't function all the time in front of a class -- I call into much when depression flares up and I just can't deal with people. It's not fair to my collegues, my students and it's wrecking my life and my psyche and my professional repuation.
I'll be finishing out this semester (unless my boss decided to cut me loose, which I hope doesn't happen -- i go back tomorrow after breaking down in semi-hysterics on Monday, and taking yesterday off to go to the doctor, schedule therapy and today to get some rest and do some cleaning.)
I feel kind of bad, after spending so much money on my certification and because there's so much I love about teaching. But mostly I feel a sense of relief because I can finally stop focusing on trying to work against my brain chemistry and try to focus on working WITH some job, like writing and maybe some part-time desk job that doesn't put so much pressure on me to perform when I am simply paralyzed with pressure and with dealing with other people's emotional frenzy when it's all I can do to barely control my own sometimes.
I was able to get my depression under control for the most part until I went back into the classroom, both this last spring, in college classes, and then this fall into high school. I love a lot about it, but it's exacerbating my depression, and my anxiety. And I've come to the conclusion that the personal toll is not worth the love I feel for parts of it.
So...that's where I am. I just thought I'd tell you all because you have all been such a source of encouragement and love. I'm a really good teacher when I'm on, but when I'm off, I'm a fucking disaster, and you have to have consistency as a professional teacher, and I can't do that. And rather than be a sucky teacher when my brain don't work, I think it's best I admit my weaknesses and call it a good try, but not the best choice for me and my students as much as I tried to make it work otherwise.
So...there it is. June 3rd, hopefully. I can make it till then, with a tripled dosage of AD's and daily Xanax. I need to talk to my principal tomorrow -- I sent him an oblique email, since I know email isn't always private, and I think they'll keep me till the end of the year, because it would be more of a pain than it would be worth for them to use an unqualified TA, when they are already overextended. I hope, because we need the money.
But I can't deal with the panic attacks, the feeling of inadequacy and the uncontrollable sobbing anymore. I was real damn close to a mental breakdown, and it's not just this job -- it's every classroom job. I'm fabulous about 60% of the time, and a freakin' mess 40% of the time. And that ain't right.
Whew. Thanks for letting me vent.
