For the rest of you: they are tiny blue ceramic repilcas of the Venus of Willendorf.

I think that's everything I sent. I hadn't sent a package overseas and when the postal worker asked me to list the contents I blanked and started to panic. Plus, there was only space for five items! I'm all, "Can I list 'decor'?"

Oh wait! There's a bookmark in the book! Which also has a funny story. I have coveted this book for years but when I found a copy in a used bookstore I decided it was such a very buffista gift that I must send it on. Then my mom bought me the same book! We each bought ours used, at two different shops. But when I saw that the one she bought for me, even though it contained an inscription, still had the "these pages censored for your safety" paper sheath I realized I had to keep the one I'd bought for you and send you the more pristine copy instead. Funny, huh? Well, I thought it was funny.

Shir, that's so awesome! I am thrilled that you are so thrilled! YAY!

______________

Ok, break to me news. Guys, I'm giving up teaching. It's not because I don't love sharing literature with people, or even the crappy semester I've had this semester.

You know I've struggled long and hard with chronic depression, and panic attacks. Well, the last several weeks, I've been spiraling down into depression and had several panic attacks that caused me to call in in a panic. After long, hard thought, research and soul-searching, I've decided that I just can't function all the time in front of a class -- I call into much when depression flares up and I just can't deal with people. It's not fair to my collegues, my students and it's wrecking my life and my psyche and my professional repuation.

I'll be finishing out this semester (unless my boss decided to cut me loose, which I hope doesn't happen -- i go back tomorrow after breaking down in semi-hysterics on Monday, and taking yesterday off to go to the doctor, schedule therapy and today to get some rest and do some cleaning.)

I feel kind of bad, after spending so much money on my certification and because there's so much I love about teaching. But mostly I feel a sense of relief because I can finally stop focusing on trying to work against my brain chemistry and try to focus on working WITH some job, like writing and maybe some part-time desk job that doesn't put so much pressure on me to perform when I am simply paralyzed with pressure and with dealing with other people's emotional frenzy when it's all I can do to barely control my own sometimes.

I was able to get my depression under control for the most part until I went back into the classroom, both this last spring, in college classes, and then this fall into high school. I love a lot about it, but it's exacerbating my depression, and my anxiety. And I've come to the conclusion that the personal toll is not worth the love I feel for parts of it.

So...that's where I am. I just thought I'd tell you all because you have all been such a source of encouragement and love. I'm a really good teacher when I'm on, but when I'm off, I'm a fucking disaster, and you have to have consistency as a professional teacher, and I can't do that. And rather than be a sucky teacher when my brain don't work, I think it's best I admit my weaknesses and call it a good try, but not the best choice for me and my students as much as I tried to make it work otherwise.

So...there it is. June 3rd, hopefully. I can make it till then, with a tripled dosage of AD's and daily Xanax. I need to talk to my principal tomorrow -- I sent him an oblique email, since I know email isn't always private, and I think they'll keep me till the end of the year, because it would be more of a pain than it would be worth for them to use an unqualified TA, when they are already overextended. I hope, because we need the money.

But I can't deal with the panic attacks, the feeling of inadequacy and the uncontrollable sobbing anymore. I was real damn close to a mental breakdown, and it's not just this job -- it's every classroom job. I'm fabulous about 60% of the time, and a freakin' mess 40% of the time. And that ain't right.

Whew. Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh wait! There's a bookmark in the book!

Heh! I thought the bookmark was a part of the book, but that's awesome.

And wow. That was almost the worst timing ever to post, right after Erin's post.

Erin, love - I have so much respect for you, especially after reading your post. You know yourself, you know your limits, you're taking care at yourself. And that's A LOT. Board-speaking, it means a thing.

I can see you're struggling; but I think you're doing wonderfully just to acknowledge that and to have a plan to help yourself to get through this. Much, much ~ma.

Skipped 1500 + posts to get thanked :)

What Shir didn't mention was the procuring questionable items for her dad. And I thought the cookie jar the perfect vessel to smuggle in, that gives stuff for her dad, and cool thing for Shir... except the box it came in wasn't a box, so I couldn't reseal the box with contraband inside, AND the jar makes cool sounds, which isn't cool when your are trying to hide/smuggle illegal tea. I can't tell you how many times I shushed that package. And then came to a mental halt on how to hide the contraband. Thankfully Shir said if the contraband is seized it is seized, so I sent it separate from the jar so Shir can get that, at least. Thankfully it sounds like both packages made it :)

All that to say, no problem. Your welcome. Happy to be here for you. And glad it arrived on a day when you needed a mental lift. Since it collided with Laga package, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Ok, back to dark grey status. Damn job keeping me from reading borg.

Oh, Erin, I'm so sorry. That's so hard. But it sounds like a well thought-out decision for your future well-being. I wish you luck on the job hunt.

{{{Erin}}} I wish I was good for more than hugs and hairpats.

(By the way, yes, you read it right. Apparently there are some kinds of tea my country takes for contraband. But hey, I live in a certain place. And it's craxy).

And wow. That was almost the worst timing ever to post, right after Erin's post.

Not at all, love.

My post isn't a DARK DESPAIR post; more like an FYI, here's where it's at, thanks for all the fish post. I'm nervous, but it's more like breaking up with a wonderful guy, whose just not the right guy for me, you know?

A little regret, nerves, but hope for the future.