I feel guilty that I'm not going to be at the budget-cut rally at the capitol today...bad crip activist, no biscuit! There are lots of reasons this wouldn't work, and, last year at this time, I'd have totally called it yesterday's tactic, but then Wisconsin happened(Not that we'd ever get those numbers) and so now I feel bad. Like if I were really empowered, I'd have done it. But I've done a lot of other ones, and much as I tried to feel like I was marching on Washington, it's mostly twelve people and their sucky signs. If Jan Brewer is not afraid to go out and be that ugly, I'm sure crips with signs are not going to do it. Crip Power was kind of...my post-collegiate fallback. I did that stuff a lot because I did not want to be home and facing the demons in my own life. People who know me from then always expect a lot.

There is no way to go further, and I will never have the money to buy a house I like, or a car that is less than ten years old, or do any of the traveling I dream of doing. I have not been the same since - I do not have the nerve, the drive, or the energy that I used to have.

Oh, WindSparrow, sadly, you are my twin.

Heed her words, Shir!

more ~ma to all who need today!

Liese, I was wishing you were with me on Friday night to see this band

Ooh! That band sounds amazing. Definitely right down my alley. In fact, that's kinda what I want to do. Oh, and the lead player totally has the vine of life Schecter I was previously lusting after.

Shir, definitely sounds like burnout, and I agree with the others. Sit down, take a breath, develop some coping strategies. Prioritize, learn to say no, do what works for you and don't worry about what people think. We're guarding against burnout all the time; in our field most people quit within a year for that reason. We're on year ten, so our adamant insistence on rest has paid off so far.

{{{{{{quester}}}}}} (sorry, can't remember off-hand if you are a hug person or non-hug person - if hugs are intrusive, feel free to imagine those brackets as an offering of soft fluffy blankets of precisely the right weight for the weather where you are)

Sit down, take a breath, develop some coping strategies. Prioritize, learn to say no, do what works for you and don't worry about what people think. We're guarding against burnout all the time; in our field most people quit within a year for that reason. We're on year ten, so our adamant insistence on rest has paid off so far.

This. This. This. You cannot take care of others if you do not take care of yourself. There are people in this world who mistake not caring for themselves as a righteous sacrifice, when it is more like false pride. Shir, if you learn from what I did to myself, and avoid it, you would buy back some meaning and value for me.

First, much ~ma to Sox and Sox's DH. bt, glad to hear the news.

Second, wow, I didn't mean to scare y'all as much as I apparently did.

While I might be on the edge of burnout, I need to clarify that never in my life I took better care of myself. I'm much, much better with setting up limits; if not, tiredness reminds me my limitations. Most importantly, I have far less tolerance towards everything and everyone that/who takes me to this edge, to the point of bitcaness.

And the Curse of Competence is very, very true. Sadly, the price is never cabana boys, even if I'm kind of expecting it to be it, for some odd reason. It's like the cake in Portal.

But I guess that even with all of this assertiveness I gained to protect myself from myself, that still didn't give me a lot of confidence. I know I'm doing teh awesome; I just don't feel like it, or question it. When I feel good about myself and the job I do, I often feel bad for being vain or showing off. Mostly, I still seek emotional confirmation from myself and others, and then I feel like an emotional tick; how many time other people or myself needs to tell me that I am important and what I'm doing is important? I already heard it and know it. It's all very stupid, and fuzzy. Because that lack of tolerance I talked about before? Sometimes I'm at its attention. But when I criticize myself, it doesn't end up in more work. It usually ends up with "stop thinking. Go watch TV".

Also, it will sound unbelievably naive, but a part of me goes "if I'm doing all this, and I know a lot of other people who are doing great work as well, how come this world isn't better place? How come my country seems to hit the bottom of its moral barrel?" (three incredibly racist laws passed just this past week and a half. Makes me want to vomit. I saw a poll yesterday: about 45% of the people have lost every hope or faith they had to begin with in this government).

But there's another aspect, which I think might explain it better - after all, I done and handled much more pressure and work in the past. Right now, I'm managing a lot of my time on my own. I have a lot of work, but I can decide what I'll do and when. And that's, actually, not as fun as it sounds. I discovered I like it better when I have fixed schedules, and much of my paying job and Hollaback Israel are based on what we call here "baltam" - military speak for "unplanned", "dropped from above and needs to take care of ASAP". So weird as it sounds, I'll actually bring another goat in (as the old joke goes), and plan to find a paying job (so I'll be able to move to J-city with two awesome friends), but only after...

Any chance you could take a vacation, Shir?

YES! Passover is in about two weeks, which will bring a fantastic string of wonderful events of relaxation of all sorts of pleasures to my life. Like, 2 Twilight Singers shows and an awesome sci-fi con. And many, many days off.

So after this very long and deserved break, I want a fixed schedule (which will also will give more money in the bank and living in a place that I don't actually hate and despise). Bringing another goat in will make me prioritize better, I think (and hope).

But, one goat at the time. Two weeks to Passover. Humm. I should consider which show I'm about to marathon during all this matzathon. And where's that cabana boy...?

Passover is in two weeks?? Dang, that was fast. (Also, I guess I'm definitely not taking the family to my parents' this year after all. Since I forgot to make any travel arrangements...oh well. Next year in Washington DC.)

And where's that cabana boy...?

Yeah, I ordered that drink ages ago.

Also, it will sound unbelievably naive, but a part of me goes "if I'm doing all this, and I know a lot of other people who are doing great work as well, how come this world isn't better place? How come my country seems to hit the bottom of its moral barrel?"

This is definitely activist burnout. I know it well. Here is the amazingly simple and unsatisfying solution: There is a difference. But you cannot see it in the world. You can only see it in the individuals you have come into contact with, and not often then. But they are a part of the world, and the change you desire is coming through the change in their heads.

You have made a difference. Are making a difference. Will continue to make a difference, even if you quit now. The people who have been able to express themselves on Hollaback. The people who read in passing an article on your work, who thought, "Huh." and put it away. Those individual, incremental changes *are* the change.

It sucks that no one suddenly looks up and says, Oh, right, and the world is demonstrably a better place. But that's not how change works. Change happens in the heart, one person wrestling with it at a time, and over time (and probably through backtracks) that one person becomes a different person. And that person is in the world, so you have changed the world. It just doesn't always look like we as activists want it to look.

WindSparrow, I like hugs, thanks! Don't get enough in meat-space.