First, much ~ma to Sox and Sox's DH. bt, glad to hear the news.

Second, wow, I didn't mean to scare y'all as much as I apparently did.

While I might be on the edge of burnout, I need to clarify that never in my life I took better care of myself. I'm much, much better with setting up limits; if not, tiredness reminds me my limitations. Most importantly, I have far less tolerance towards everything and everyone that/who takes me to this edge, to the point of bitcaness.

And the Curse of Competence is very, very true. Sadly, the price is never cabana boys, even if I'm kind of expecting it to be it, for some odd reason. It's like the cake in Portal.

But I guess that even with all of this assertiveness I gained to protect myself from myself, that still didn't give me a lot of confidence. I know I'm doing teh awesome; I just don't feel like it, or question it. When I feel good about myself and the job I do, I often feel bad for being vain or showing off. Mostly, I still seek emotional confirmation from myself and others, and then I feel like an emotional tick; how many time other people or myself needs to tell me that I am important and what I'm doing is important? I already heard it and know it. It's all very stupid, and fuzzy. Because that lack of tolerance I talked about before? Sometimes I'm at its attention. But when I criticize myself, it doesn't end up in more work. It usually ends up with "stop thinking. Go watch TV".

Also, it will sound unbelievably naive, but a part of me goes "if I'm doing all this, and I know a lot of other people who are doing great work as well, how come this world isn't better place? How come my country seems to hit the bottom of its moral barrel?" (three incredibly racist laws passed just this past week and a half. Makes me want to vomit. I saw a poll yesterday: about 45% of the people have lost every hope or faith they had to begin with in this government).

But there's another aspect, which I think might explain it better - after all, I done and handled much more pressure and work in the past. Right now, I'm managing a lot of my time on my own. I have a lot of work, but I can decide what I'll do and when. And that's, actually, not as fun as it sounds. I discovered I like it better when I have fixed schedules, and much of my paying job and Hollaback Israel are based on what we call here "baltam" - military speak for "unplanned", "dropped from above and needs to take care of ASAP". So weird as it sounds, I'll actually bring another goat in (as the old joke goes), and plan to find a paying job (so I'll be able to move to J-city with two awesome friends), but only after...

Any chance you could take a vacation, Shir?

YES! Passover is in about two weeks, which will bring a fantastic string of wonderful events of relaxation of all sorts of pleasures to my life. Like, 2 Twilight Singers shows and an awesome sci-fi con. And many, many days off.

So after this very long and deserved break, I want a fixed schedule (which will also will give more money in the bank and living in a place that I don't actually hate and despise). Bringing another goat in will make me prioritize better, I think (and hope).

But, one goat at the time. Two weeks to Passover. Humm. I should consider which show I'm about to marathon during all this matzathon. And where's that cabana boy...?

Passover is in two weeks?? Dang, that was fast. (Also, I guess I'm definitely not taking the family to my parents' this year after all. Since I forgot to make any travel arrangements...oh well. Next year in Washington DC.)

And where's that cabana boy...?

Yeah, I ordered that drink ages ago.

Also, it will sound unbelievably naive, but a part of me goes "if I'm doing all this, and I know a lot of other people who are doing great work as well, how come this world isn't better place? How come my country seems to hit the bottom of its moral barrel?"

This is definitely activist burnout. I know it well. Here is the amazingly simple and unsatisfying solution: There is a difference. But you cannot see it in the world. You can only see it in the individuals you have come into contact with, and not often then. But they are a part of the world, and the change you desire is coming through the change in their heads.

You have made a difference. Are making a difference. Will continue to make a difference, even if you quit now. The people who have been able to express themselves on Hollaback. The people who read in passing an article on your work, who thought, "Huh." and put it away. Those individual, incremental changes *are* the change.

It sucks that no one suddenly looks up and says, Oh, right, and the world is demonstrably a better place. But that's not how change works. Change happens in the heart, one person wrestling with it at a time, and over time (and probably through backtracks) that one person becomes a different person. And that person is in the world, so you have changed the world. It just doesn't always look like we as activists want it to look.

WindSparrow, I like hugs, thanks! Don't get enough in meat-space.

Shir, I'm sorry if I panicked and over-reacted.

Also, it will sound unbelievably naive, but a part of me goes "if I'm doing all this, and I know a lot of other people who are doing great work as well, how come this world isn't better place? How come my country seems to hit the bottom of its moral barrel?"

I'm fighting that kind of discouragement and loss of faith. Every time I think that things must have hit bottom, won't get worse, that soon things will make a turn for the better, some portion of the government does something else truly ugly - making it plain that it is no longer a "government of the people, by the people, for the people" but a government over the people, for the benefit of the wealthiest people, by their bought minions. I do not have the power to hold back the tide, or alter the direction of the current. All I can do is speak out, so that I am not guilty of the sin that Martin Niemoller described ("First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Communist..." and I hope I didn't just invoke Godwin's law). I get discouraged and I think nothing I can do will help. And sometimes all I can do is to speak out, not because I think it will be effective, but so I can sleep at night, because I have not given my consent for injustice by silence.

Is there a corollary to Godwin's Law about quoting from The Lord of the Rings? Maybe there should be, but I'm going to do it anyway.

"Always after a defeat and a respite, the Shadow takes another shape and grows again."

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

'The Shadow of the Past', Fellowship of the Ring.

My favorite punk band (the one with whom I am corresponding by email) has a lyric that goes, "I wanna look my children in the eye / and tell them what side I was fightin' on." And that's pretty much the whole of the reason I fight, some days. Even if I fail utterly, I want to be able to say, I was fighting.

It's like the cake in Portal.

Glados!

Change happens in the heart, one person wrestling with it at a time, and over time (and probably through backtracks) that one person becomes a different person. And that person is in the world, so you have changed the world.

So beautifully said, Liese. This is the kind of worldview I try to hold in my heart.

I love my thinky, caring Bitches.

{{{{quester}}} and {{{WindSparrow}}}. Such categoric statements make me sad. I hope you both find ways to move forward, maybe taking a shape you never anticipated.

Shir, I wish you lots of luck and wisdom drawing your boundaries and am glad you have some downtime to recharge soon.

Liese, you continue to be one of my greatest inspirations. Here's another clip of Rue Fiya with their regular lead singer - [link]

I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things; partly my low energy from being sick, partly because part of my heart is back in NOLA*. We only worked a couple of hours this morning because it's pouring rain and in the 40s here. I came home and ate lunch and napped, and now I'm doing work stuff mostly. I just feel... off.

* Well, except for the chunk that hitched a ride to KC MO.