It never ceases to amaze me that people get married without bothering to discuss and/or negotiate about serious topics such as money, if/when/how regarding the rearing of children, and most importantly of all, how to negotiate competing needs, desires, and expectations. Silly people have this idea that love conquers all, so why worry about all that stuff ahead of time - just plow right ahead and capture the other person, after all if they really love you, they'll understand why it has to be your way.
This is precisely why I love doing premarital-early relationship counseling with the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory. I don't love the tool itself all that much, but it sparks conversations on the 10 big ones: money, sex, child rearing, roles, conflict resolution, family of origin, spirituality, communication and leisure activities.
We just aren't trained to be interested in the expectations of others. So, why would we ask those questions unbidden?
I don't blame people for not being that forward thinking but it does make me sad that they don't ask them until something painful catalyzes the conversation. I'm just glad I can help them find the answers.
This is precisely why I love doing premarital-early relationship counseling with the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory.
I did that counselling program for both my marriages.
ChiKat, I meant to say earlier, I'm sorry to hear about your job. That really sucks.
I did that counselling program for both my marriages.
This does not surprise me in the least. You are a self-aware, forward thinking guy!
Out of curiosity, do you/have you ever used the '10 Step Process' for communication appointments?
Chikat, I'm sorry .
Matt made it home around 4am
Out of curiosity, do you/have you ever used the '10 Step Process' for communication appointments?
Wallybee and I used the ideas therein a couple of times early on in our marriage, when addressing conflicts (and occasionally on faux conflicts, just to get the practice). We also used Gottman's book,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
for occasional marital health assessments. I find we don't really need it nowadays though - we generally find ourselves on the same page for conflict resolution. (Tangentially related, I have a soy milk machine in my kitchen! This was an unexpected development. Soy beans. It milks them.) I didn't use it (the 10-step deal, not the soy milk maker - not that it saw use then either) during counselling for my first marriage, we had different tools and priorities for that venture.
occasionally on faux conflicts, just to get the practice
Marital wargaming? Damn, y'all are awesome.
You know, everyone is a perfect parent before they have kids. But on the off chance that your kid turns out to be a human being and not a carbon copy of the mythical children described in parenting books, you're going to be winging it about 90% of the time no matter how much preparation you thought you did.
Marital wargaming? Damn, y'all are awesome.
The most complex game that Wallybee has found congenial is one called Twilight Struggle. It really is a superb game design, for those who like that sort of thing (ME! ME!). It simulates the Cold War. The US and USSR compete with each other to build influence in different countries and draw them into their sphere of influence. (If you get too aggressive, you run the risk of sparking a nuclear war.)
They applied the same game system to another game that simulates the 1960 Presidential election. (Less risk of nuclear war; some risk of questionable results from Cook County.) It's really quite clever.
Anyway, we have some experience with marital wargaming, is the upshot here.
Marital wargaming? Damn, y'all are awesome.
Word.
Practicing conflict resolution skills on non-charged issues is one of the very best ways to ensure fair/productive fights. Couples sometimes resist because it seems silly to play fight, but honestly, doing so is such a good idea.
Not only does it give you stuff to work with when the chips are down, but it reminds each person that they WANT to move through fights productively and that neither really wants to be hurt or do the hurting.
In relationships where one or the other DOES want to inflict pain (in the non-fun way), well...that's a whole 'nother thing.
