The money thing is my fault really. When she asked me to watch G on a regular basis instead of just randomly, I knew I should ask for money, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I think part of it is she manages to make me feel guilty even when I know I haven't done anything wrong. I have been very unreliable with jobs in the past due to depression, exhaustion, etc, so when I feel like I am being accused of that, I get defensive.

sj, this is so self-aware of you.

The past is the past. You must forgive yourself for those past incidents and recognize how far you have come from then.

Guilt is one of the biggest wastes of the human experience. You are doing what you need to do NOW to not misstep like that. Problem solved. And therefore, no point in dragging every past experience into the present.

Also, H said something recently along the lines of she didn't know if she would need me this summer if she took a class that was in no way asking me to watch G but just implying that I would if she needed me. I think if she brings it up again, I'm going to tell her that I need to be thinking about getting a paying job this summer instead, because really I do need to be thinking about that.

Honestly, what I need right now is a nice way to respond to this e-mail that isn't. "Did you fucking want me to call you at 2AM?" because that is what the aggravated me wants to respond with.

Happy Anniversary billytea!

You came up at dinner the other night - Mal was drawing an ocean scene on his placemat and explaining it: "That's an octopus and that's a hammerhead shark and that's a whale shark eating krill and that's a crab and that's a starfish and that's one of those fish that are really ugly and grumpy and when someone comes near their shell they make their mouth like a big triangle kite? I can't remember their name, like the Scrofulous Something..."

Me: A sarcastic fringehead?

Mal: Yes! I drew a sarcastic fringe head.

Me: billytea would be so proud.

The money thing is my fault really. When she asked me to watch G on a regular basis instead of just randomly, I knew I should ask for money, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

One of the things I have been working with a lot of parents around this very issue. Course Correction!

I know you don't want to offend a friend, but which would be better for you:

1) "I understand your concerns about being caught without child care and how stressful that is. As you know, I do everything in my power to be responsible and caring with your child while giving you all possible notice the very few times when something has come up for me.

I am certain you know the value of responsible child care and, in order to have a more complete understanding between us, I'd like to discuss a compensation package that we can both live with.

or

2) You let this fester, she gets more entitled and you become resentful enough to blow up the relationship based on a boundary that you have not set with her.

She might not like #1, and she may be a total jerk about it. That would be her, being her. At least with #1, you have a chance for the relationship to continue and you getting something you richly deserve while the child gets awesome care.

Let her shop for day care and try to find a better deal. She won't.

everything I come up with is passive aggressive

Honestly, what I need right now is a nice way to respond to this e-mail that isn't. "Did you fucking want me to call you at 2AM?" because that is what the aggravated me wants to respond with.

That one is easy. Write a note with every expletive you can muster...preferably long hand so you can really get the energy out. Then read it out loud, either to TCG with all the flourishes, or to the mirror. THEN, tear it up and dispose of it responsibly.

And finally, reply to the email with, "It is so hard when stuff gets messed up like this, isn't it? How would you like to proceed?"

This acknowledges the discomfort and then gives her the opportunity to take responsibility for her own reactions.

Let her shop for day care and try to find a better deal. She won't.

She actually has day care M-Th, but she is working a half day on Friday and would still have to pay for a full day of day care if she sent him that day. She knows the exact number amount of what I am saving her.

Bonny, honestly I know you're advice is good, but I know I can't do it. My ability to deal with confrontation is sort of non existent at the moment. I know I need to work on that. If she asks me to watch him this summer I will say that I am looking for work and if she needs me, I need to be paid, but I can't renegotiate midstream for the school year.

Bonny, honestly I know you're advice is good, but I know I can't do it. My ability to deal with confrontation is sort of non existent at the moment. I know I need to work on that. If she asks me to watch him this summer I will say that I am looking for work and if she needs me, I need to be paid, but I can't renegotiate midstream for the school year.

I totally respect that. Knowing yourself is a) impressive and b) key to keeping yourself together.

This may be one of those accursed, 'lesson learned' deals. Just get through it the best you can and take the learning forward that says "Value yourself. It's not that NO one else will, but it IS that a damn site fewer than you'd like will."

InOmeN, my shoulders are incredibly sore from restraining that child from biting me. There are teeth marks all over my sweater and one of the fringes on my scarf is tattered.

I'm going to go take a long, hot bath and contemplate puppies and unicorns.