Not because we're petty or shallow, but because it seems against reason: trying to help the very thing that's hurting you. Trying to remember this isn't a "thing", but a person. And at times, realizing they're beyond help, find the inner strength and cut them from your life.

So much wisdom here.

My father was, as I've said before, a certified monster. And yet, when I found myself back in town after moving a country away from him and being out of touch for years and years, I went to see him.

details,details,details...Upshot, as I sat on the bathroom floor, clipping his nails (no details, you'll thank me for that) I thought to myself, "I must be the stoopidest woman in the world. Or, I'm up for canonization."

The next thought that went through my mind was, "I would not leave an injured dog in the street." I was doing what I needed to do for MYSELF. The fact that my father benefited was essentially beside the point.

After he died, I realized that that trip was one of the best gifts I had ever given myself. I was clean. I had done and said everything that I needed to. The healing of that cannot be overestimated.

Seska, I hope that your sweetheart's heart is unburdened in a similar way. Perhaps it doesn't feel that way now, but in the end, that would be my prayer for her.

Teppy, as someone who's had a loved on in jail and prison, something else could be preventing him from calling. Everything besides food is a "privilege" in jail so he could very well not be allowed to make a call.

Also, I made a FOUR HOUR one-way trip to visit my brother in prison. I was on the list my brother gave to the prison but I was turned away after going through extensive pat downs because a clerk left my name off the list. Then I had to drive four hours back wondering if my brother intentionally left me off the list or if he was off his meds again.

I hope you can figure it out with the ex's son and the situation improves for you.

Dog is at Tep's house.

Yup. She is sweet, and well-trained. She's younger than Kato and so more energetic than he is, which I'm not used to. And Kato is not thrilled at Guest Dog. He isn't being viscious Alpha Dog to her; he's just ignoring her and then moping a lot.

Keeping her for a few days is fine -- would have been fine, that is, when I believed ex's son would be able to leave for Texas the day he got released from jail.

Yeah, Cash said it wiser, but I was going to go in this direction, too. Lotta stuff goes on in jail. Communication is not always the first thing on the incarcerated person's mind.

This week? Is she volunteering?

She is! She's coming in Tuesday.

I apologize if my anger comments re: suicide were upsetting. I do understand that it's horrible and complicated all around.

Cashmere beat me to it. After reading about the jailed one's insensitivity the two thoughts that occurred to me were 1) He might not have that privilege quite yet. Years with the cops taught me that nothing is ever predictable in situations like that...clearly Cash's experience supports that.

But also, 2) Jailed One's lifestyle and issues have led him to be incarcerated. Expecting him to be conscientious, self aware and concerned about the feelings of others might be a bit of a stretch at the moment. Even if he IS those things, under his current restraints, it might be hard.

My dexh was big on having opinions based on experience and offered to let me spend the night in holding cell (very small, underused station...by not means MAXSEC). Being all game and stuff, I agreed. Until I got there. To say I chickened out would be an insult to chickens.

Later, when I volunteered at Jessup (Maryland MAXSEC), just walking from one building to the next was so oppressive...well, it had a big impact.

Jailed One should be grateful and responsive. I'm not surprised that he isn't and I would hate for you and Tim to take that personally when you are being such good people.

Teppy, as someone who's had a loved on in jail and prison, something else could be preventing him from calling. Everything besides food is a "privilege" in jail so he could very well not be allowed to make a call.

Also, I made a FOUR HOUR one-way trip to visit my brother in prison. I was on the list my brother gave to the prison but I was turned away after going through extensive pat downs because a clerk left my name off the list.

You know, after reading John Edgar Wideman in high school, I began to have my doubts about the efficacy of the American prison system. I don't believe it achieves its alleged goals of "rehabilitating" criminals. And more and more I'm not thinking it does any good for the public, either. Because, once again, I don't know what purpose it serves to have this kid in jail. I get that the prison system is designed, in part, to be punitive, but I don't think that punishment acts as a deterrent. He missed 1 visit with his PO, because he didn't get the letter telling him to report, because he was homeless and sleeping on a couch at someone's house other than the address his mail was going to.

(Granted, I am not saying that you shouldn't be checking your mail if at all possible, but still. My point is that this kid is not a violent goddamn criminal and I do not see the point of locking him up. I don't live in the county in which he's incarcerated, but if I did, I'd be annoyed that my tax dollars were going to keep him incarcerated, fed, and showered. And the idea that my tax dollars are paying for similar non-violent criminals to be housed in my county PISSES me off.)

But also, 2) Jailed One's lifestyle and issues have led him to be incarcerated. Expecting him to be conscientious, self aware and concerned about the feelings of others might be a bit of a stretch at the moment. Even if he IS those things, under his current restraints, it might be hard.

Jailed One should be grateful and responsive. I'm not surprised that he isn't and I would hate for you and Tim to take that personally when you are being such good people.

You guys, I VERY MUCH appreciate this perspective. Since I'm vascillating between weepy despair and rage blackouts, this really, REALLY helps. I don't know what I would do without my Buffistas.

Nora, no! I'd been thinking about that since sj posted it. Just needed to get it off my chest, is all. And yes, there are lots of reasons to be angry in a situation like that.

Also, whee! Law!!!