I remember that you don't like it, but I'm going to hug you anyway."

I think it goes without saying that I would have flipped out like a mammal at this person.

I do have a right to personal space, but she said that I have to remember that other people like hugs, too.

Then they should fucking hug other people.

I may have just convince my little sister to watch Firefly. She's only 14, is it gonna be too scary?

sj, can you find a way to remember him that is meaningful to you? Light a candle by a photo, or something he loved? I don't think there is a "right" way to grieve, especially in a case like this.

eta when I went for my grandma's funeral, I went into my grandparents' bedroom and snagged one of her curlers. I have years of memories of pulling them out of her hair and brushing it. That's all I wanted of hers, and it sits on my altar.

On a lighter note...

I'm going to definitely have to visit

WOO TO THE HOO. Hope to be a resident by then. And yes, you must visit to get the full flavah.

That's too bad, sj. When my uncle killed himself, his widow said she'd have a memorial after some time had passed so it could be more of a celebration of his life than what it would have been immediately (which would have involved a lot of anger, probably) but she never did and I know I missed having a communal ritual to mourn him. Oddly enough, the time we spent clearing out his house was as close as we got to a wake.

I encourage you and your family to set aside some time to remember D together at some point, whether you call it anything in particular or not.

(and Hil, as a hugger, i promise to never ever say "i know you hate this but...." and then chase you down from across the room. that's just not on.)

sj, that's so hard.

Oh, Trudy, I'm so glad to hear it.

Trudy, I'm glad to hear your friend is safe.

sj, can you find a way to remember him that is meaningful to you? Light a candle by a photo, or something he loved? I don't think there is a "right" way to grieve, especially in a case like this.

Yes, it is more figuring out what can be done for his parents and sister. Do I call on them? Send something? I'm really not sure what to do, and mom and stepdad are in FL at the moment, so I can't just follow their lead.

WOO TO THE HOO. Hope to be a resident by then. And yes, you must visit to get the full flavah.

Absolutely-- it's been yonks since I visited (and last time was during New Year's Eve, so it's not like I remember ANYTHING), and New Orleans, much like Miami, I think, is a city you have to immerse yourself in. It's not just about the sights, but the sounds, the smells, the textures-- it's such an incredibly layered, rich city, you have to wrap yourself in it to fully grasp what it is. Then, the trick is being able to convey even a fraction of it in words.

Not that I haven't thought about this or anything.

You know what would help a lot with this whole ex's son thing? Being able to TALK TO HIM. But he hasn't called at all (and Tim checked; the setup of the jail is such that inmates can make collect calls). Or -- and here's a wacky idea -- visiting him and talking face-to-face.

EXCEPT in order to visit him, the visitors have to have been put on a list by the inmate. Since ex's son hasn't called, we don't know if Tim is on that list. Tim called the jail this morning to see if he could find out if he's on a list, and they said they absolutely will not give out that information, the only way to know is if the inmate told you. Tim asked if he could get a message to an inmate, and they said absolutely not, if the inmate hasn't called you, maybe he doesn't want to talk to you.

So the only way to know for sure if ex's son put Tim's name on the visitors list is to drive up there (45 minutes to an hour) and hope he did.

Also? The Jail has visiting days set up by last name of the inmate, and today is the only day people can visit inmates with ex's son's last name.

I have RAPIDLY lost much of the inclination I've had to help this kid. You want us to help you? You want us to keep your dog even though when you directly asked us we said we can't? You want us to keep all your shit in our house (currently crammed in our living room and dining room because for some reason Tim won't take it up to the attic and I *did* offer to help)? You're okay with Tim paying for a U-Haul to get your ass to Texas (and I suspect that Tim paid the $500+ fine that the kid had to pay on Wednesday)? But you can't even fucking CALL THE PERSON WHO IS KEEPING YOUR ASS AFLOAT?

If it were solely up to me, his shit would be out on the lawn, and I would have found a no-kill shelter for this dog.

I am not asking this kid to even meet us halfway. Calling the person who is supporting you when you get thrown in jail is not halfway; it's like 5% of the way. AND HE CAN'T EVEN CALL?!? He's allowed to; we have checked and double-checked this. He just...won't.

(I am annoyed that the jail won't even confirm or deny whether someone is on a visitors' list, but I get that incarceration is punitive, and they are not there to be the social secretaries for inmates. But still. Fucking hell.)