I'm so sorry, sj.

Yes, TB, that's a good summary. It touches one of the key points the people screaming "meltdown" keep missing, which is that when a nuclear person says core melt, they're talking about melting the zirconium alloy coating the fuel pellets, not a molten mass sinking to *shudder* China.

Oh, sj. That is so awful. I'm so sorry.

Tom Scola is also MY hero.

And my default is to believe that I have no rights, my feelings don't matter, and if I don't do exactly what Tim* wants, then the relationship is over. Completely powerless.

Teppy, I am exactly like you in this regard. (OK, not about Tim, because I've never met him, but it's my default attitude towards the Other Person). The difference between you and me is that when I get caught in this way of thinking is to withdraw even further, and to not talk to anyone. Seeing you here talking about these things and trying to work through them is a huge inspiration to me. You're my hero.

Aw, Tom! That means a LOT to me.

I'm sorry, sj. How terrible.

Oooh, I meant to say that -- Tom, you are kicking ass in dealing with your stuff, and you're my hero, too.

Teppy, I'm so sorry you have this added stress right now.

I am so sorry, sj. How horrible.

Thank you everyone. I'm trying to figure out what to do right now. We may go visit the parents tomorrow. I'm not sure there is going to be a wake or a funeral because D said either not to have one or have something small in his note. I'm getting all the info 3rd handed right now. TCG and I might make a visit tomorrow.

I don't talk about my faith a lot here any more, because I'm in a jumble these days (and have a bottomless pit of anger towards god due to these most recent shitty 7 months of my life). But despite having a lot of anger at god (and a lot of guilt for being angry at someone who could smite my ass in a hot second), I do still believe in god.

It took me a long time to learn this, but I believe that the forgiveness God asks us to demonstrate to other people is not a matter of protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions. I believe it is a matter of choosing not to do or wish any harm to them beyond those consequences. In many cases, protecting people from the consequences of their actions is more harmful to their own moral and spiritual development. Mercy and forgiveness may call us to assist such a one in taking steps to improve his or her life after natural consequences have been endured or satisfied.

sj, much ~ma to your stepfather's family. What a hard, hard thing to have to endure.

Today was Megan's funeral (the girl who married our friend, it turns out, only 4 months ago). Hearing her best friend talk about the kind of things teenage girls get up to was hard. I'm used to funerals going on about older people and what they've accomplished, not reminding me of all the potential that was lost. She was only 23, well within the age that I could have birthed her. They don't have the lab results yet, so we don't have a reason for her death. She went to the same pain doc Hubby does, and he's afraid she may have misjudged a dosage and suppressed her breathing.

They had her nieces and nieces--a large crew, due to the typical large Mormon families--do a Sunday School song during the funeral, then the kids were given carnations to put on her casket at the graveside. It weirded me out, because a lot of them were so young they kind of stared around with a "What are we doing? What's the long metal box for? Oh, it's my cousin, I'm going to go play with him--but I don't want to stand here!" attitude.

I keep reminding myself that I am peripheral to the people who are being comforted by these rituals. But I'm still going to be cremated.