Teppy, I'm so sorry you have this added stress right now.

I am so sorry, sj. How horrible.

Thank you everyone. I'm trying to figure out what to do right now. We may go visit the parents tomorrow. I'm not sure there is going to be a wake or a funeral because D said either not to have one or have something small in his note. I'm getting all the info 3rd handed right now. TCG and I might make a visit tomorrow.

I don't talk about my faith a lot here any more, because I'm in a jumble these days (and have a bottomless pit of anger towards god due to these most recent shitty 7 months of my life). But despite having a lot of anger at god (and a lot of guilt for being angry at someone who could smite my ass in a hot second), I do still believe in god.

It took me a long time to learn this, but I believe that the forgiveness God asks us to demonstrate to other people is not a matter of protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions. I believe it is a matter of choosing not to do or wish any harm to them beyond those consequences. In many cases, protecting people from the consequences of their actions is more harmful to their own moral and spiritual development. Mercy and forgiveness may call us to assist such a one in taking steps to improve his or her life after natural consequences have been endured or satisfied.

sj, much ~ma to your stepfather's family. What a hard, hard thing to have to endure.

Today was Megan's funeral (the girl who married our friend, it turns out, only 4 months ago). Hearing her best friend talk about the kind of things teenage girls get up to was hard. I'm used to funerals going on about older people and what they've accomplished, not reminding me of all the potential that was lost. She was only 23, well within the age that I could have birthed her. They don't have the lab results yet, so we don't have a reason for her death. She went to the same pain doc Hubby does, and he's afraid she may have misjudged a dosage and suppressed her breathing.

They had her nieces and nieces--a large crew, due to the typical large Mormon families--do a Sunday School song during the funeral, then the kids were given carnations to put on her casket at the graveside. It weirded me out, because a lot of them were so young they kind of stared around with a "What are we doing? What's the long metal box for? Oh, it's my cousin, I'm going to go play with him--but I don't want to stand here!" attitude.

I keep reminding myself that I am peripheral to the people who are being comforted by these rituals. But I'm still going to be cremated.

sj, that's so horrible! I'm sorry. Much ~ma to all the family.

Teppy, I'm glad to hear things getting sorted out, in a better way than you feared. Seeing your insight into yourself is also very helpful to me, as I have a tendency to do the same psychological self-sabotage things you do. And then to withdraw, as Tom Scola does. (Tepscola! Now caffeine-free.)

One thing I learned, a life-changing epiphany for me at the time, was that wanting to help someone didn't necessarily mean that I *could*, or even that I had to. You're not the only ones god can send that young man to help him. Sometimes you're not the one they need help from. Sometimes you see the human trainwreck coming and you just have to get out of the way!

Lots of ~ma.

I'm back on an actual computer! The place where we stayed in Florida was supposed to have wifi, but it never worked, so all my computing for the past week has been from my Droid. But the beach and the sun (most days) and the other fun Florida stuff made up for it.

Except for the mysterious rash on my back. It's covering almost exactly the parts of my back that are exposed by my bathing suit, so my best guess is that it's a reaction to the sunscreen, but I used the same sunscreen on the rest of my body and have no other rash. Is there anti-itch spray? Applying anti-itch cream to my own back is involving some interesting contortions.

Hil, can you take Benedryl or Zyrtec?

Urgh. I just totally broke down crying uncontrollably talking to my sister, and then my roommate.

Aw, sweetie. I'm so sorry you're so stressballs after doing something so awesome. Doesn't seem fair!

Tep, I am glad that you're able to vent here and it sounds like The Boy is in line with what you are already thinking. I imagine that must be a relief.

SCOLA: you are wise to consider Teppy a hero, but I must say you are pretty awesome in your own right

sj- god, I am so sorry. I can't help but to be angry about the 8 page suicide note and all that though. Suicide tragedy always makes me angry. Is that horrible of me? Probably.

In my own little corner of reality, I am feeling so socially overwhelmed and am fairly convinced that no one here likes me. Well, they all probably like me fine but I can't Be Awesome and Funny and Whatever It Is That Forms Social Bonds. Like, I asked someone via text message about St. Patrick's Day plans and got a (likely drunken and silly) response of "What are you, stupid?" I made a judgement call about something last week that turned out to be a bad idea and, and, and... ugh.

I just feel stupid and blah. Ugh.

Come visit me in San Francisco, Nora! I love hanging out with you.