and i kind of worry that this new way of "being me" is pretty much permanent.

Oh, honey. I don't know what shittastic stuff happened over the past year (and I don't need to), but frankly, your reaction sounds normal. Betrayal is evil and perception-shattering.

That said, I agree with Hec that people aren't immutable. I *do* think that you should be however you need to be in order to heal. I also know that healing doesn't happen quickly.

But I think your nature isn't set in stone. Or doesn't have to be.

Nope, I had it backwards - tamari is the wheat-free version, shoyu is wheat and soy. But as with most things, the labeling in the States is unregulated so a lot of things labeled "tamari" actually aren't.

Thanks, Shir. I thought it would be fun, since this guy said he was hot and and had a great job, blah blah, to write back "and modest, too. :)) to cover up "Then why are you messaging me on your lunch break?" I...think we know. And it's not because I'm breathtakingly awesome.

Sean, I like you, but mostly because you can get me into the Dali exhibit for free. (It was nice to have your virtual presence at the Seattle F2F.)

And I don't mean to make light of it, Sean. Certainly my capacity to trust was very damaged after my divorce. And, in truth, it's not back to where it was and the damage I experienced going through the divorce has changed me and probably for the worse. But scar tissue is also part of the healing process. It's not like you go back to what you were. But you can get better and move to a better place.

I mean, Matilda wouldn't be here if I hadn't found some measure of trust.

But scar tissue is also part of the healing process. It's not like you go back to what you were. But you can get better and move to a better place.

This, a lot.

But scar tissue is also part of the healing process. It's not like you go back to what you were. But you can get better and move to a better place.

Scar tissue is the strongest part of skin tissue. (That may be a myth.) So I wouldn't be surprised if it's the strongest part of the soul.

t edited for more correct medical info

I can guarantee that is not true. First of all, people aren't that immutable. Second of all, you in particular are fairly mercurial.

That I am. That I am. Although that's part of why I wonder about the permanency of feeling like this -- it's been going on for so long, and still continues. It's been a topic of discussion in therapy.

And I'm still feeling lots and lots better (as in not depressed all the time) since the Italy trip. But this profound betrayal has bred a profound mistrust that still lingers.

Btw, did I mention that because of your enthusiasm I bought Emmett Assassin's Creed and he loves it. Plus now he knows about the Duomo.

I approve. And you absolutely must convey to him (or perhaps not) that those buildings are TOTALLY climbable.

Hey, we were going to have an actual phone conversation, weren't we? Let's make that happen.

Yeah! Sorry. I've been thinking about that un-had phone call every day while I've been kicking ass/getting my ass kicked by Halloween. We're pretty close to done (we've been amazing this year), so hopefully later in the week I'll have some time for a phone chat.

I REALLY NEED YOU PEOPLE IN A GIANT CUDDLE PILE (or at an appropriate personal-space distance) AROUND ME, RIGHT NOW!!!

You all make me do this -- :)

Yes. I'm pretty sure that's the first and only emoticon I've ever used here. Deal with it.

Oh Seanie-My-Love, please remember that you were the person who helped me to trust again after being hurt and betrayed. Now it's my/our turn to help you find that capacity again. It won't be the same, but it'll be stronger.

I like you very much and love you even more.