A friend of mine reminded me that I signed up for a living social spa deal last fall, and that the deadline was coming up in the middle of this month. Apparently everyone else remembered this week, too, because they don't have an opening until May unless I want to take time off work for it (which I don't). Eh, that's what I get for putting it off for three months. Some time in May I'm gonna have a really nice Saturday afternoon.

my particular brand of shielding is to become drunk and then move to being THE MOST SOCIAL EVER. Not neccessarily a great strategy, but the one that I have stumbled upon that works. But the social anxiety that Nora spoke of - What did I *do*? Oh God, what did I *say*? - comes back and bites me later. I've been known to email people after and apologize for things that bother me intensely but the "victim" of my effusiveness has no idea about.

In this, we are twins.

Another one I do is overly try to show whomever I'm interacting with that I can relate to them because I *know* things about them because of some small experience I have that they might relate to.

HA! Yeah. I've been a lot more conscious about this since moving to the South and I really, really try to check myself. (Well, I've gotten called on it a few times, which helps with the self-awareness) Working every day in an office where everyone except me is a woman of color, though, helps- it normalizes my experience and downplays that impulse.

But brain and heart, they don't quite connect they way they should.

I have the same problem. I just keep repeating to myself and hope that someday the heart will get the idea. Hasn't worked yet, but I keep hoping.

But Aims, I could totally tell when we met that you'd known Jamaican women before. Totally.

Ahem.

But the social anxiety that Nora spoke of - What did I *do*? Oh God, what did I *say*? - comes back and bites me later

Hahah. Not that I just posted here about doing that ridiculous and awkward too friendly drunk thing on Saturday night or anything!

I am pretty extroverted, but when I am done with people, I am done, and I leave and go be somewhere for a while.

Me too! it's why I often room alone at the F2F. I love you all, but when I need to be alone, I NEED to be alone. I get cranky otherwise (apologies to my awesome roommates in Seattle, juliana and smonster for when I just got super bitchy and sensitive out of nowhere).

I am awkward with strangers. This happened yesterday:

strange guy in street: How's it going?

me: (way too cheerfully) how are you?

guy: fine, thanks.

me: thank-you!

But with buffistas and others who feel like "my people" I am insanely friendly and talkative. I hope I didn't molest you in Seattle, Tom. I seem to remember wanting to smishify you but I can't remember if I followed through on that impulse.

ION wtf Iowa? Mom has friends who got gay married there a few years back. Please don't take away your citizens' rights, Iowa. We were wrong to do so in California.

WI, Erin. Brand new governor feeling his oats. His state of the state address is tonight and I'm resolutely ignoring it because he is the biggest ASSHAT in the history of state politics.

WROD!

Vortex, I'm the same way. I love being social, but when I'm at conferences and things like that I really do best when I have my own room to recharge at night.

During planning for the DC F2F, someone made the joke that while the festivities were going on in the hospitality suite, they'd be hanging out in the stairwell. A host of "me too"s followed that. It quickly became apparent there might be a handful of people partying in the suite, but the majority of us would be huddled, avoiding eye contact, in the stairwell.

It was posited at the time that we were Buffistas, effusively, expansively friendly and involved in each other's lives--online--because that level of engagement and contact wasn't comfortable or accessible to us IRL.

I had a English/Theatre History teacher who I idolized, and told her once that her classes were the high point of my day, that she brought such energy and enthusiasm to her subjects I couldn't help but stay interested and inspired. She took a beat, maybe two, and then said, "Every class is a performance." That was a little revelation to me. It helped me deal with social interaction--hell, it helps to this day. In social settings, I'm performing Bev as a social creature. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in the people to whom I'm talking, I am--I love you people! I'm just sharing space and not freaking the fuck out and retreating in terror and confusion because I'm presenting Bev as she would be without all the neuroses. It's a performance of me.

And then I have to run away for a while and recover and restore.