I am about to crawl under my desk and have a little nervous breakdown.
My uncle died yesterday morning. He had been in the hospital since I was in India. He was getting worse and no one could really tell why. He never wanted end of life measures, though somehow he ended up with a feeding tube that they removed Friday.
I went home for my sister's engagement party, and I loved fiancee's family and he's a really awesome dude, and great to see both my sisters, and we had a breakfast Sunday morning for just the family which was great.
But, I get the phone call, and I don't want to be a downer, so I do my crying on my own, and make the call to tell my dad who asks me to call my other uncle, where everyone is, and get his number and give him dad's. I call, and that uncle is all, "Ok. Thanks. We're all good here." and hung up. So...what was I supposed to do with that. I wanted to see my family, but if they're worn out from the hospital or whatever, I'm not just going to invite myself over, but also, who the fuck do I get to grieve with and cry with? My dad who didn't even know until I called him?
And then last night I'm thinking well hell, this is why I feel like that family's slipping out of my life. The only one who lets me know what's going on is my cousin, and everybody else has brothers and sisters and mothers and dads who are involved and I have a cousin and a now dead uncle who used to make sure I had a voice in somethings or was invited to things. If it weren't for Bobby, I wouldn't have grandaddy's lighter or mimi's recipe book, because lord knows no one else, including my dad gave a shit about what of my grandparents' I might like to keep.
And that's not on them. There's stuff they would like for their own kids and themselves. I just didn't really have the equivalent except for Bobby, and he just died, and in addition to losing that person, I don't have him here for his passing.
Then there's all kinds of funeral stuff, where my uncle's wife who loves to feel like a martyr and put upon is making things far more complicated than they seem to need to be so that she can be at the center of everything.
If it were this Thursday like they were first talking about, I could probably have made it. It would have been tight and I would have missed my BFF flying in from LA, but I would've made it. Now it's next week on a non-holiday, and I'm the only one covering holiday hours in my department.
I was actually glad to go to work today to get my mind off of everything. But now I've got some dude whinging that things need to go out today by lunch PST when preview for tomorrow is already up and I'm checking QA. I've not seen these requests, or we might have worked something else out, so now the work I spent all morning doing is wasted as we roll back preview, put in their promotions, push to production. Redo the build we rolled back, have me re-QA and then push.
Can I please please lose my shit now? I feel like I just hate everyone, and then I feel bad because it's not everyone's fault.