OK, I changed my mind - I don't want a dolphin friend.
Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture
GALVESTON, TX—A study conducted by marine biologists at Texas A&M University has found that bottlenose dolphins, long thought to be among the most intelligent members of the animal kingdom, are "utterly incapable" of pointing out the flaws of celebrities and knocking them down a peg or two.
According to a paper published last week in the journal Science, when presented with photos of music, TV, and film personalities, dolphins failed on every occasion to mock the well-known public figures, missing countless opportunities to take mean-spirited potshots at their hair, past romantic partners, or breast implants.
"Frankly, this is shocking," said Professor Michael Hodges, lead author of the study. "Given their impressive brain-to-body ratio, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at the very least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson's post-baby weight gain. Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares."
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"In one trial, Tursiops truncatus specimens were shown pictures of Renée Zellweger in two dresses, one stunning and one hideous," said neurobiologist Anne Gross, who helped conduct the experiment. "Not only did a disappointing 88 percent fail to respond in any way, but 100 percent completely missed the chance to call her a squirrel-face or ask whether the things dangling from her ears were supposed to be jewelry or some sort of fucked-up preschool art project."
The Onion, of course.