Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

A large portion of these, if not all of them, are the results of the Style Invitational contest from week 310 (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/invitational/invit990314.htm). This is a humor contest, which asked participants to come up with the bad analogies

I wish they'd say which ones were from the humor contest, but whatever - they're still funny.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

eta:

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

This one's almost a direct life from Douglas Adams. (The Vogon ships hung in the sky in exactly the way that bricks don't.)

Real Animals + Toy Animals = DED FROM CUTE

This one's almost a direct life from Douglas Adams.

I thought that sounded familiar....

This one's almost a direct life from Douglas Adams.

My first thought. He's ruined all those kind of analogies the way humorless prose doesn't.

A photo of a small child, apparently after attempting to put on lipstick: You Got A Problem?

Good luck, Kat.

Aw, aminals.

Coolest data center ever.

[link]

Coolest data center ever.

All it needs is a "security guard" who's very big and tall and has a diamond in his tooth....

GAH! All that humidity is NOT good for the equipment!